So since J is over 8 months old as I begin to write this and it is the first post since he was born, you can probably guess the theme of this one: life is crazy! Crazy and joyful, but none the less crazy!
So how is life with two children you ask? The best way I can describe it is to tell you about the last 30 minutes I just had.
So, E had woken up and was saying, "Mama" in a sad/scared voice that gets me to jump and run whenever I hear it. I ran into our bedroom and E was speaking nonsense and gibberish as he often does when waking from a deep sleep. It usually means he has to pee. I asked him if he did and he said No and began to lie down. I got into bed next to him and realized the reason he no longer had to pee. He and the bed were soaked.
I told him I was gonna go get him some clothes and he said "OK" sleepily, but as soon as I left the room, he sat up and started crying loudly which of course woke J. So now J is fussing and wanting help going back to sleep and I begin to change E. As soon as I get E's pants off, he says he has to pee more, so he gets down out of the bed and I put J's pacifier in his mouth hoping it will last long enough for me to help E in the bathroom.
I turn around and E is standing on our bedroom carpet peeing. I said, "No wait sweetie, lets go to the bathroom." He stops and I get him to the toilet.
Meanwhile, J is crying and I can tell he has gotten up and is crawling towards the bed rail so I place E in front of the toilet and aim him just so as I run back into the bedroom and pick up my crying baby.
I help E finish up in the bathroom (with one hand) and come back to the bedroom with both boys. I lie J down on the bed and he starts crying (loudly) again. I quickly lie a towel down on the bed, pick up E, put on his dry clothing, cover him, and then lie down in the position. The position is one in between the two boys where I can simultaneously nurse J in one direction while holding E's hand in the other direction.
Both boys scoot as close as humanly possible to me and drift back to sleep.
As I watch them sleep I have such mixed and intense emotions.
I hope that E knows how much I love him with all my heart even though my parenting has sank to an all time low and how I want to just scoop him up and savor each moment with him as I watch him continue to grow at an alarming rate. How every time he goes through something new I worry and research and worry and research some more. How I want to give him the very best of everything money cannot buy.
I see J cozy up in my arms (he has awoken and wants to be held), nursing, and so peacefully sleeping and think how little time he gets to just lie in his mamas arms like this and how sad I feel about that. I spend all my day time hours making sure Elijah is loved, fed, getting his activity, loved, fed, not beating on J, loved, fed, not breaking things, etc... I start to feel like the only time I have for J is to stop him from sucking on the toilet and electrical cords (although I am sure E thinks it is much more). I know my little baby cries for me way more than I would like him too.
The hard truth is that my parenting has really taken a dive. I hear myself say things I never would have said before like calling J a "handful" right in front of him or telling E at the end of the day to "stop touching me". These moments keep me awake at night.
My house always has some sort of disorganization, the bathroom always smells like pee between a little boy with questionable aim and cloth diaper aroma, someone always needs me immediately, and I feel like I can never quite catch up. They never nap at the same time, or for very long, and E hardly naps at all anymore, both boys want to nurse what feels like all day and all night. I went from having a 90 min break in the middle of the day and several hours at night, to having an hour here and there at night maybe.
All that being said...
J laughs at every little move E makes and watches him ever so intently.
The look on J's face and the little laugh he utters whenever he makes it all the way to the toilet or tears off yet another leaf from our houseplants.
The way both boys want to touch me all day long and play with me.
The way they hold hands when they are sleeping.
Those rare moments when E and I can finally sit and talk or read without the baby needing mama or trying to grab the book.
The way E tells us he loves us at least twenty times a day.
The way they look at me when I enter a room.
and the moments when both boys are in my arms and I can smell each of them, feel there little arms and I know it is one of those moments I want to remember when I am old.
So besides maybe just a little less pee, I wouldn't change a thing.
My friend recently said, "these are the good old days". I completely agree.