I had a conversation with my fourteen year old son tonight after holding a parenting workshop on screens and media. He told me that he was embarrassed because he had to ask a peer how to use a controller on a video game console when offered one at his home. He cried while telling me this. He was really embarrassed. My son does not cry easily. Then he told me he never wants to invite his friends to our home because there is "nothing" to do here. By nothing he means they cannot watch TV, play on phones next to each other, or play video games. By nothing he means no screens. His demeanor was gravely serious and I truly felt like he was reaching out to me for help. The problem is the only help he wants is for me to buy him a smartphone and video game console. He doesnt want to talk about why I do not want those in our home. He doesnt want to hear about the effects of screens anymore even though every now and then we do cover something he didnt know. His response to this is that I have done my job for the past 14 years and now he is fine and all ready for the world of screens, social media, extreme video games. I should just buy him the smartphone and the gaming console. We talked about how he really wants to play games like Madden and The Show. These are both exttermemly realistic sports games. Of all the games out there, I am less concerned about this content. That being said, these games connect to outher players on the internet, they have product placement and try to get you to pay to up your fun factor.
I decided to use his daily screen time to download this game and play it with him on his computer. We played the game and I pointed out the product placement. I pointed out how fast the game went and how if you play for long enough, they are going to want money for the best opportunities to continue playing. His dad and I decided that he could play this game, but only on a PC, only against the computer, and he could not pay for anything. So now for his daily computer time this is what he does.
I am trying to enter his world, give him something to talk to his friends about, but I also am completely saddened and maddened at what teenagers have become. Why is this the only thing they do? I know my son is better off being bored around our house than playing hours of video games all weekend with friends through the internet. That being said, this is the way they "socialize". Sometimes a friend will meet him at the park and play real sports, but freqently they 'hang out" on snapchat or video games and because of that my son is not a part of it. I know his love of reading comes from being bored. I know his excellence in sports comes from practicing all the time at home. And he is alone or with us all the time which builds relationships but also builds a bit of resentment in us for not letting him do the other things. I do not want this to be the forbidden fruit. I also am passioantely against screens, internet, and social media with a develping brain of this age. I feel constantly alone trying to navigate this. I want a strong relationship with my son more than anything and he resents this in me. I want him to have peer relationships, but they do not exist much because of how virtual they are and how none of his peers wants real face to face connection. Face to face connection and communication will be a crucial skill set in this digital world he is growing up in. How do I give him that when he is constantly pissed at me for our values as a family. How do I maintain my values and listen to my son's struggles. How do you raise the next generation to be human in a digital world?
Parenting is so hard. I tell the parents I work with that their job is not to fix the problems, but to be there to support their child through the struggle. I really hope that I am right. I hope that I dont destroy any future I have with my kid over this issue.
