Settling in?

How are you settling in? The question I get asked most often now by our new neighbors and our friends we left behind. I'm not quite sure how to answer that because it really depends on the moment.

We have a lot to adjust too:
Josh has a new job, with new classes he has never taught before, he works more now because it is a boarding school and you have to be on duty, sometimes until 11pm.

E has gone from eating almost every meal with just me and Josh to eating every meal with 200 people. My child is not one who does well with noise and chaos to say the least and there are frequent outbursts of high pitched screaming that ensue.

I have gone from having a ton of friends I never could spend enough time with to having none. NONE.

I am filling our days with lots of rhythm and exploring our beautiful surroundings and it helps. There are times I look out my bedroom window and see the hills covered with white split rail fences, horses grazing under the oak trees and I think this was the right decision.

And then there are the days when all I want to do is see one of my friends, one that truly understands me and doesn't think I am a freak for cloth diapering or nursing my two year old, or even less being a stay at home mom.

I have to tell you that the hardships of this move have come down to frequency. Those we saw most frequently and the things we did most often are what we miss the most.

E misses Elias, Lala, Baby Charlie and Monty, and the farmers market.

I miss my playgroup, all the kids and amazing mamas there and if I am to be completely honest, I miss my friend Francesca. I feel like I have done something wrong by leaving her. Is that strange? Anyone who is lucky enough to have her for a friend as well probably knows a bit of what I mean. We have only been friends for a year, but we saw each other many times a week. We were the only ones each other fully trusted with the care of our children, and we knew all that was happening in each others lives living less than half a mile apart. But I know it is more than that. Proximity alone cannot build the bond we did in such a short time. I cannot read the book she gave to Elijah and I when we left without tears flowing... still... 2 months later.

Well, there are more obstacles to our adjusting fully, organic eating, less money, no doctors or midwives we cherish, we even miss our loud quirky neighbors. And we are saddened by the relationships that are not staying in touch, those we know are going to disappear for one reason or another.

So now I will go back to focusing on the parts we love about being here as I try to do each and everyday we are here, but I needed to get this out to all of you.

You are missed with all our selves. Come visit!

Minimalism Defined

Over the last few months I have read a lot about minimalism. I had heard the term before, but little did I know how much it described the person I aim to be until recently. I believe it is a term that will continue to define me more and more in my future.

To me, minimalism is not doing without, but more about returning to a simpler life. A life that respects the environment, one that makes more room for family time and personal connections, one that focuses on the FACT that stuff does not make you happy (and many times can distract you from true happiness) and most importantly, a life that revolves around being the change I want to see in the world. Modeling to my son on a daily basis these values is what ultimately drives me.

But minimalism has so many facets and how it relates to my life I am still defining. I think I was a minimalist way before I knew a term. I have always said that I wished I had lived in the prairie times when they got by with so little, spent so much time together, worked harder than any of us can imagine, and appreciated so much more (at least that is the way it seems to me).

So my next few posts will be about my journey through this, my view of what this could mean for our world if more people embraced it, and simply why it is so important to me.

I hope you will share your insights and ways in which you may embrace this even if it is just one area of your life that it applies. I want all the ideas I can get.

Discipline Workshop Notes

Thank you to everyone who came out to Granola Babies to talk about ways of working with the most important people in our lives! I had so much fun.... I think I may be turning that workshop into a 3 week series though, since there was so much info to cover.
Let me know if you have any questions....
Tracy

Discipline Workshop
When you think of your child as an adult, what attributes do you want them to possess, what words would you like to describe them?
Why No Corporal Punishment, Punishment, Rewards, and Praise- all along the same spectrum and achieve only one thing: temporary compliance and they do so using extrinsic control, conditional love, and a focus on self rather than others.
1. Manipulation- any relationship based on this is doomed…. Conditional vs. unconditional love
2. Reduces self reliance- our opinion of what they have done, who they are vs. theirs. 2 year olds rarely look for your opinions… we teach them this.
3. Steals their pleasure- tells them how to feel vs. letting them figure it out (scribble on a piece of paper= beautiful)
4. Loses interest/changes focus- start to see task as a means to an end (reward) instead of the intrinsic motivations to begin with AND gets them to focus on self rather than others (sharing example). What about toilet learning?
5. Reduces Achievement- Pizza Hut book it program, old mans plan, must up the anty continuously to get them to do something they previously did on their own.

“It is not enough to love children, they need to know they are loved unconditionally”- Alfie Kohn (for who they are not what they do)

All these attributes are not achieved in this way and can be undermined by the spectrum of tactics. Never in all my years of doing this workshop have I heard: obedient, got into Harvard, got an A’s in math, cautious, quiet, stays out of other people’s way, etc…

Discipline is different from all of these things: It comes from the root word disciple which means “to guide”.

-Our entire society is based on the work of BF Skinner and his theory of Behaviorism (rats, pigeons and applied it to people)

3 things to always keep in mind when working with a child….
1. Trust the child, they know what they need.
2. Think of what YOU would have wanted from the adult when you were a child when in a moment with a child (This never fails you)
3. This too shall pass and WAY TOO QUICKLY, try not to be in a hurry (we take ourselves too seriously)

*When we apply these concepts to infants, it is easy to accept, but as young children grow, we start to see them as manipulating us. In reality, there is a NEED behind EVERY behavior. Children do not have all the skills adults do to draw from when they are trying to express a need.

*AP parents will do these with infants, but at some point as it gets harder and children get older, many people stop because children discover new and interesting ways of getting what they NEED (ways that can drive us crazy at times, but also ways that are so endearing and lovable)

While you are on the phone, children cannot say: “Excuse me please mommy, I am feeling a bit off today and would really like some extra attention to meet some of my need for closeness and comfort right now so could you please cut your phone call a bit short.

When disciplining, we need to do 3 things:
1. Ask ourselves if what we are expecting or experiencing is developmentally appropriate? Question yourself? Is what you are asking really needed and is it fair? Is it really hurting anyone? Why do I want my child to do this? BE reflective
“Sometimes when children don’t do what they are told, the problem is with what they were told to do.” –Alfie Kohn
What children cannot do: Sharing, taking turns, collect information, cannot empathize ( saying please, thank you, I’m sorry), sitting for long periods of time, etc….
2. Figure out the need! -why wont they stay in bed at night? Million different reasons….
“We should attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts” – Nel Noddings
3. Stay calm and follow through

Disciplining Skills:
*Wants vs. Needs: If you are going to ask your child to do something, you need to be prepared for them to say No and for that to be OK. Otherwise, do not ask!
-When you put your foot down on important issues, make more room for choice in other areas.
*Follow Through - one of the biggest issues is that we stand in another room and ask our children to do something over and over again. This is developmentally not appropriate. So if you are going to tell them to do something, you need to follow through.
* Problem Solving:
“It is better to talk than to yell,
It is better to explain that to talk,
and it is better to elicit their ideas, than to explain.” –Alfie

Steps to Problem Solving: Kids learn to make good decisions by making decisions, NOT by following directions.
1. Diffuse the situation: Active Listening: (between two children, this could be stopping the pulling of hair ).
*** never talk to children in a way you would not speak to another adult (this includes tone of voice).
-Children need to feel heard before they can move on and listen to you
-You may have to active listen many times
2. State the problem
3. Ask for ideas first, then offer ideas. If the problem is between two children, I only offer my ideas if both of the children want to hear them. *** with younger non verbal children, you will offer your ideas and this will look a lot like redirecting.
4. Come to an agreeable solution for all parties- this will take time and does not always need to happen in the moment.

*Modeling Time Outs: When you get worked up and cannot stay calm, YOU need a time out. Step away and model for your children a time out. Breathe, go into another room, have spouse take over, etc…. whatever will make you calmer and able to work with your child again.
Time outs for children: There are never moments when I would use time out in its traditional super nanny fashion, however, there are times when a child’s safety is at stake or the time needed to problem solve isn’t possible, or a child simply is unable at a particular moment to live up to their end of the agreement when I would hold them or shadow them or remove them from a situation, but always there with them, listening to them, explaining, and allowing them bodily freedom whenever possible.

When they HAVE to, but don’t WANT to:
1. Use least intrusive strategy- don’t argue or yell, be prepared to repeat yourself, allow for bad days, children have them too, speak to them with respect (not in front of other people)
2. Be honest with them- acknowledge when something is not much fun, tell them you don’t like it either….
3. Explain the rationale- they are entitled to a rationale and not just “because I said so….”
4. Turn it into a game- toothbrush airplane game
5. Set an example- all rules apply to adults too
6. Give them as much choice as possible- with whom, what, when, where????

Rule #1: If you are in public, ignore everyone around you! The more worried you are about how other people will judge your parenting skills or your child’s tantrum, the greater the chance that you’ll respond with too much control and too little patience. This is not about what people think of you, it is about what your child needs.

Things that keep me awake at night....

I have said before that it is very difficult for me to even go out in public and watch parents interact with their children, I have told you the story of when I stepped in quite passionately (some might say interfered, actually some did) for the child being hit by his dad, and I have mentioned to you how leashes on children make me cringe.

These are not just ravings of a complete lunatic (well, maybe a little). One of the main reasons I write this blog is to get this stuff out of my head and into writing. I need this blog. I need it because I don't have a school to run anymore as an outlet to help families, I need it to remind me of the parent I never want to become, but mostly I need it so I can attempt to sleep at night.

Let me give you an example of what it is like to be me. While visiting with another family, I watched the dad walk up behind his baby and wipe his nose startling the baby in the process. Not once did this happen, not twice, but three times. If I had not known better, I would have thought the dad was purposely trying to be a stealth agent whose main goal was a surprise attack. The fourth time it happened, I was holding the baby and he startled me in the process too. I told the dad that later on when he least expected it, I was going to walk up behind him, grab his face and wipe HIS nose!

Now I did say it in a rather funny joking tone because well I guess I was trying to get the point across in a way that would make the most impact. Those who know me well, know that I have always struggled with this. Most people don't say everything they are thinking. When it comes to children and parenting especially, I DO. People have told me often that I could make more impact by changing my delivery. You know, the whole you get more flies with honey concept. Over several years of learning the this the hard way, I do it somewhat better, but here is why I continue to struggle with it.

Lets say I was at my sisters house and I came up behind her when she wasn't expecting it and wiped her nose. Now knowing my sisters and their families everyone in the room would probably laugh hysterically, everyone except maybe my sister. But imagine that I repeated it over and over again. Eventually, people in the room would at the very least say, "Tracy, knock it off!" There may even be a few that thought it was immature and I am pretty damn sure my sister would be pissed. And no one would question those people who stood up for my sister, not one person.

Well, that father was the one who was irritated, it was all over his face. How dare I tell him how to raise his child? How dare I interfere? Why don't I just keep my mouth shut and mind my own business?

Because I can't! I cannot keep my mouth shut when people treat babies and children in ways no one would stand if it was happening to an adult. It boggles my mind that so many people see children abused or at least disrespected frequently by the ones who are suppose to love them the most.

This situation is probably one many people would not even notice. And if I am to be honest, it is not the worst thing in the world to do to your child. I choose this example because it illustrates my point well and because it is one most people would not think twice about. Some might step in if this father had hit his child, but many would not. Most people would step in for foul treatment of a dog before anyone would question a parent and child interaction. And just think about how many things we say to children that we would never utter to our best friends.

So I will continue to work on the phrasing of things, but I will not stop speaking up because when I keep quiet, it implies that the action was OK and I will not teach my son that it is OK to treat small people this way.

Maybe I worry too much... maybe I AM a lunatic... I know I offend people often!

To me I guess it is the price I pay for being me and for not allowing these things to simply tear me up inside.

And as for sleeping at night.... I don't see this coming any time soon.

Meanwhile, I will continue to write, to read, and to educate when given the opportunity. I will begin here. Over the next few months, I will be starting a parenting book review on my blog. Many of these will be reviews of my favorites, but I also want to read all those popular ones out there and give my two cents on those as well. It should be worth months of free therapy! Bring on the books!

Becoming Tracy....

Side Note: I am stealing a little bit with that title from someone who has become a good friend, my go to person on all things green, and someone whose work on her blog I highly admire, my friend Sarah. She makes me laugh, cry, and I believe we may have been separated at birth we have so much in common.

What does it mean to become more of myself? I have always seen myself as growing, learning, and in process if you will. I believe that the day you stop growing as a person should be the day you say goodbye to it all.

In my study of child development, education, and my other passion, the environment, I have often felt overwhelmed. As if there is so much to learn and not enough time. A few days ago we watched Food, Inc and I felt like I would never be able to eat again, much less trust my government to do something simple like, ummm... keep food from killing people. Since then I have even entertained the idea of forgetting it all and living a life as an ignorant, smoking, fast food addict in front of the television all day. I mean it would be easier after all.

But then, there is my son. All of these years of reading, changing, therapy, inner reflection, tough decisions, paying more for the items I purchase, questioning practically everything that most of society takes as blind truth, and standing up for what I believe in even when it made me feel lonely, isolated, and even suicidal was for him. And it continues....

There are so many things I want for him, so many things I am falling short of providing for him, so many days when I feel like I know better than my current actions....

And then there are days when I am reminded about how much I do know, how much I can pass onto other new moms.

Today I was at a park with a friend and we started a discussion about sharing. We talked about the nature of young children and how important it is to not force directly, but to model the virtues we want our children to have. To not constantly take toys out of their hands and force them to share, to stop forcing them to say "please", "thank you", and "I'm sorry", but instead to be grateful ourselves, to show our gratitude, compassion, and love to and for others.

It is in these moments that I realize how much I know to be the right, but more importantly how much I need to continue learning and to make sure I am always doing my very best.

Hopefully one day my son will be able to say that he is grateful he had me for a mother. I know I am always trying to live up to deserving the incredible responsibility of that role.

The part I really didn't understand......

That statement of "just wait until your a mom" that I heard over and over again probably applies the most when I think about the bond I have with my son.

I used to always say to parents, "you are the expert on your own child". I believed this, but the level to which that has rung true for me with my son is at such a deep level that I could not have understood before being his mom.

The other day, I caught myself saying the exact statement I heard so many times.
"She doesn't understand because she is not a mom."
You can substitute parent or dad for the previous noun as well. The point was, this person I was referring to held a bachelor's in child development. While she had very little actual experience with children, it was a very similar situation to the one I had been in with parents at the school where I directed and taught.

So I have spent the last week or so really thinking about what I meant, why I ultimately believed my current statement to be true and what it was about being a mom that holds so much weight in regards to understanding children, children's issues and parenting. This soul searching was the least I could do, I felt like I owed it to the poor child development major for whom I inflicted this statement upon after despising it myself for so many years.

I think one thing that it comes down to is the relationship I have with my child personally and hopefully the relationship each parent has with their own children. No one understands his language and gestures the way his father and I do. No one sees every little expression he makes every second of the day. No one stares at just him when he is seeing something new for the first time. No one else can hold a completely non verbal conversation with my child and know exactly what he is thinking.

I know all the parents out there have wanted to scream out loud at one time or another, "Did anyone just see how amazing this child is?" or "Isn't he the funniest, most beautiful child you have ever seen?" We all now the joy of witnessing our children do something for the first time ever. Or the love and satisfaction you feel when you can meet your child's needs so completely they melt into your arms.

I have to tell you this relationship with my child makes me a better teacher, friend, and person. It makes me look at all children differently. It makes me notice more the little things all children do to communicate with us. It makes it impossible to hear another child cry and not want desperately to be there for them. It makes me even less tolerable than before to the injustices against them.

And I as much as I would have said that I understood all this before I was a mother, it was on an intellectual level that I understood it, not on the emotional, hard core, straight to your soul level on which I now GET IT.

Respect... it is not just for adults! (Part 2)

The other day I was driving my car down the road and I saw a sight that is all too familiar nowadays.

A mother pulling her child on a leash. You know what I mean, the "harness" designed to keep your child "safe".

Usually when I see this, the parent is at the very least walking behind the child or next to the child. This particular mother was actually pulling her child while she strutted, yes strutted, down the street in her huge Pretty Woman style sunhat and high heels. Her child was struggling to keep up and even tried to stop to look at a flower before being yanked away.

I almost turned my car around to have a little "discussion" with this "Mother", but I didn't and instead drove away feeling profoundly sad for this little girl. It made me wonder what adult personalities will be available to my son as his peers in his adult life. What issues will this child take away from this experience and how will effect her when she is a parent? Adding a cute dog, bear, or ugly character to the back of the harness does not fool the child out of knowing exactly what is happening to them.

Later that day, when we arrived home for naptime, I saw on my freecycle group, this posting:
OFFER: Toddler harness and leash
If your toddler is wearing this red Elmo harness, he can't run away as soon as you let go of his hand. I admit it is embarrassing to have your kid on a leash what with the public staring at you in horror, but if it keeps the kid from running into the street, it might be worth a try! (It didn't work for us; our kid found a way to wiggle out of it)

Oh boy, I have so much to say about this I don't even know where to begin!

1. Let me start by saying that I absolutely understand the fear of losing a person who makes your entire life worth living, a person whose entire well-being rests in your hands, and a person whom without you never thought this amount of love was even possible. I take all of those things very seriously and I do understand that a parent would do anything to keep there child safe. So unlike before, when I did not have my own child, I now understand the rationale behind the purchase of one of these items.

HOWEVER..........................

2. You are still dealing with a PERSON, a human being. I mean for goodness sake, I have seen many adults act more foolishly around a busy street than a lot of children. Why not put your husband in one of these too? I am not even all that fond of pulling an animal along on a leash, but your child? Some feelings just go so far beyond words for me.

3. And it doesn't even work for a child who is determined to get out of it!?!??! Are you serious? I am in deep admiration of that little kid who wriggled his way out of his Elmo Harness. He gives me hope that the human race, even the young sector will not stand for being treated horribly.

4. HOLD YOUR CHILD'S HAND! If you are a parent who has the child always dashing towards the street any opportunity he gets, I have some information for you. You are stronger than your child is. While it is your job to keep them safe it is also your job to keep him safe in a decent, respectful way. Hold their body if you have too while listening, explaining, etc... but I am sorry...
The leash is unacceptable.

5. I have an inkling that this product that is aimed to illicit the worst fears in parents in order to get them to open their pocket books also has an underlying appeal. I believe that it is an attempt to make a parents job "easier". By that I mean, the parent will not have to pay as close attention to the child. If I am right about this, then it makes me even more livid.

If you really don't want to share your outing with your child, get a babysitter.

Children learn about the world by exploring it slowly, curiously, and sometimes dangerously. They deserve our attention and our explanations. It is also our job to learn from them all that we have forgotten from our time as children. Stop and smell the roses with your child, have conversations, be present, and for goodness sake, stop treating children like dogs.

"I'm so glad to see you, let me take home a piece of your scalp."

My son gets so excited to see other children! Seriously giddy! He chirrups with delight. He shrieks with excitement while tightening both legs into a locked position.
Lately at some point, it results in at minimum a soft tap on the head and at full force, a bang and grab of any hair or lack there of that is accessible.

And of course I love to witness, participate, and encourage his excitement! It is actually my favorite part of toddler hood, being witness to his joy as he finds the things in life that interest him.

I must say 100 times a day with as much awe as before, "A bus!, A truck, ooh another doggie!"

Herein lies the rub.

I want him to express his feelings freely. To not hold back! To love with all his might, express his anger as strongly as he feels it, and even to cry until their are no more tears left to feel inside.

But I don't want the fallout of that expression to be the hurt and tears of another precious little baby.

I have tons of experience and training in helping children through this stage, but I have got to tell you this is where handling things as a PARENT is different.

Suddenly it is not only about being a teacher and handling an issue.

It is about:

*worrying other parents won't understand that this is very normal behavior
*knowing how it feels when your precious baby is hurt by another
*knowing that your child is curious about reactions, dominance, and how that all plays out and wanting him to get the right attitudes towards it
* not wanting my child to think I don't trust him by reacting every time he gets too close to a child, but also wanting to stop another from getting hurt (boy is that a fine line)
*making sure he has enough outlets for aggression and activity which I know to be important for children and boys especially

and mostly...
*wanting my precious boy to be loved by other children and adults in our lives

Boy, being a parent sure makes things a bit more complicated.

To all those whose children are getting the brunt of mine's learning curve here, we BOTH love you so much! Thanks for hanging in there with us, we are hitting lots of pillows right now!

Getting There

One thing I did not anticipate is how much I would enjoy riding public transportation as a mother.

In my professional life, I was always so busy. So much of my day was about getting things done, finishing a project, scheduling a meeting, holding the meeting, following up on the tasks, etc... Even when I was teaching the children, it was always difficult to just be in a moment because there were always other children who wanted you, other activities to get out, etc... I felt like I was running against the clock most days with never enough answers to questions and rarely a moment to take it all in. Who knows, maybe this was something I should have made more of a priority in my career - I know it will be in the future.

However, when you go from forty-five children to one child and from ninety parents to two, you are suddenly thrust into a lot of down time. Sure, there are still days when I feel like I can't get anything done because Elijah is needing me or following behind me undoing, but in general, A LOT of down time.

It is important to me to pass a love of nature and duty to protect the environment on to Elijah. When you combine that with down time, and with a child who really does not like to be strapped down to a car seat you get: THE BUS.

We ride the bus as much as we can around our big city. Mostly it takes us to the aquarium since the grandparents gave us a yearly pass, but it has taken us other places as well. I never felt like I had time for public transit before, it was too slow and I needed to get there.

Elijah loves the bus. Not only the ones we are on, but all the others he sees out the window. His favorite seat is in the back looking out the window at everything and he loves that his mom (and sometimes even dad) are right there holding him. There is no car seat restricting him and he can cuddle, use mommy as a jungle gym, nurse and see as much as he wants cause mommy isn't driving. Come to think of it, these are all the things I love about the bus too.

But... there is more. I love that Elijah meets all kinds of people, see all kinds of diversity, and gets doted on by most of the people who sit next to us. He has been the audience for an accordion player as well as the held a conversation with a German-speaking man who when he got off the bus told me, "Thank you for bringing him on here today, he makes my heart happy."

To that I replied, "mine too sir, mine too!"

I think this must be one of the greatest things about motherhood, that it forces you to understand so clearly how the journey is so much more important than the destination.

Yes, I'm paranoid...

Another thing those parents were right about when they said I would understand when I was a mom...

Cutting grapes.

Yes, I used to think that all those parents who cut grapes into fourths were out of their minds and way too paranoid. Isn't cutting them in half enough? Geez people, I thought.
It wasn't until I was a mom that I realized that cutting them in half does not change the diameter of the grape and they are still a choking hazard and it is not until you envision your little child choking on something you gave them that you cut the grapes in fourths.

I even cut blueberries, the small ones :).

For those of you who don't know about this website, blog, and magazine... it is hands down the best resource for parents out there. Dont live your parenting years without it.
http://mothering.com/all-things-mothering/

Popular Practices Examined... Part Two(Spanking)

Disclaimer: So this will likely not be a gentle, dont hurt anyone's feelings kind of post (but then again, are any of them?)

While in Maui(a beautiful place with beautiful people), I ran in to some not so beautiful acting locals in a general store. There was a young man with two teenagers and a very young child. I did not even notice the child at first because the others were so boisterous, but then I heard a very hard whack and a child scream and fall into tears. Then I heard another whack and another. I couldn't see the child yet, I just heard his very sad cry that was bringing me to tears as well.

Then the party of four emerged from the aisle towards the cash register. The dad (I use that term loosely), was paying for his goods and telling the store clerk how spoiled his child was, while the child obviously humiliated and in pain was rubbing his bottom and trying hard to hide his face and tears in the pant leg of his father. Apparently though crying is also a capital offense in his family so after telling him to stop crying several times, he raised his hand again to go for another. If this is how this child is treated in public, what happens at home?

I couldn't take it anymore so I jumped in and not so gracefully as I would have liked. I shouted, "Hey, just because you are bigger than him doesn't mean you have the right to hurt him."

Lots of mind your own business comments ensued from the teenagers and father, but the comments that disgusted me the most were:
"This is my child" from the young man and from the store clerk, "he needed it".

So lets start with the first one:
When one decides to place their penis in another woman's vagina, that automatically gives him the right to hit and humiliate any person that happens to unfortunately be the result of that sex. That is interesting determination.
I am sorry, but No. Children are not property. Most people would argue that even pets are not one's property to do as you deem fit.

and the second:
He needed to be physically hurt and humiliated? When has that ever worked to teach anything more than anger, resentment, violence, and revenge? If you don't believe me, you may want to check out the volumes of research on this topic.

I am really not OK with the term spanking at all because I believe that it exists simply to make hitting another person sound acceptable in conversation. Many justify spanking as a form of discipline. Discipline comes from the word disciple which means "to guide". I am having a hard time imagining Jesus guiding others by hitting them. I am trying to envision having any of the people in my life who have been a guiding force hit me. In fact, I have very strained relationships at best with any person who has ever "spanked" me.

While I may attempt to intervene on the behalf of children in a more helping, positive way in the future, I urge you all to step in and stand up for children who are unable to help themselves. I could tell it truly shocked this dad that I even thought his behavior was inappropriate and it probably made no difference at all (especially with the way I handled it), but maybe, just maybe one of those teenagers or that little boy will think twice before hitting their own child one day.

It is time for this practice to end once and for all.


"There never was a time when a major social problem was solved by beating a child. And there never will be such a time... For centuries adults have injured children and have lied about it, and other adults have heard those lies and then merely turned away,"
-Surgeon General Dr. C. Everett Koop, 1989

They will guide us...

I am very lucky to have a huge group of friends to look towards for support in my parenting philosophy because when you group all the things I believe together it equals a way of parenting that is not all that common.
That being said, I (along with most of my friends) have lots of mainstream voices in my head. These voices are people whom I love and appreciate, but whom really do not understand why Josh and I make the decisions we do for Elijah. Some of them do not even try to understand our decisions, yet offer their advice or comments all too frequently.
The area where I am feeling the most pressure lately is in leaving Elijah. As he gets older (yes, he is the ripe old age of 12 months now), the pressure increases. Others want to babysit him or in their words give me time off. I genuinely appreciate this gesture as being a mama is exhausting as we all know, but I am not ready and neither is he.
My neighbor keeps making comments to me that basically amount to the fact that I will never leave him and he is just a big mama's boy. I think even a few months ago these comments affected me more than they do now. The reason is Elijah. He teaches me. Over the many years of watching other parents with their children, watching the ways other parents left their children (some for the first time in my care); I realized that one of the biggest hurdles parents have is trusting their children. I always told myself I would trust my child, that he knows what he needs. I learned this first from the famous Bev Bos and second from seeing it ring true time after time with the children in my care.

Still, once I had a baby so many doubts came back. I had learned enough times and it made sense to me the value in responding to a babies cry, but I doubted myself when Elijah only wanted to nurse to sleep. The fears overtakes you. Won't I make him dependent on nursing to sleep, I thought. And now with leaving him, he is VERY attached to mommy and for a while daddy would never do, but slowly Daddy, Grandma, and even Grandpa are starting to be wonderful "meeters of needs" also. With time, he was ready, ready to trust other people in his life. Of course for the first nine months, he only wanted me. I mean he had spent more of his life inside my body than out. His only food came from me. It made sense. I just needed to see the relationship with his daddy begin to develop and then I was reminded that if I trust him, he will do it when he is ready.
Now, he stays with Daddy while I run errands and while no one else will do when he is tired, hungry, hurt, or scared, one day that will change. I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.
I pledge to continue trusting Elijah when I am not sure, he will guide us.