Sharing?

Lately, in my relations with other parents, I have run into quite a few who believe that their child sharing with my child is extremely important. So important at times, that they have actually walked up and physically removed their child from a rocking horse because my child asked for it or took a toy out of their hand to give it to my son or another child in the room. In society, that is a pretty common request of parents to even the youngest of babies, so I am not surprised I am seeing it again and again. It has inspired me to write on the topic once again though.

When we become parents, our hopes and dreams for our children are strong, even severe. And as they grow and start to assert themselves, we want so badly for them to be kind, caring, and compassionate people. So we start making requests of them that many adults have trouble doing with little understanding of what they are developmentally able to handle or even any knowledge of the best ways to help them become those compassionate people in the long run. We cannot really blame parents, we are only doing the best we can with the knowledge we have. It is even hard to say that we should have read more parenting books to gain that knowledge as the shear volumes of these books available, with so many different view points, can deter anybody.
How can a parent possibly know where to begin?
By reading my blog of course.... ;)

So for now I am gonna write about sharing and taking turns since it is such a focus of those around us (and because I cannot find the articles I wrote for the preschool so many years ago :( ).

Just imagine this scenario for a moment:
You have just gotten a new car and are in love with it. You want it to stay clean and undamaged and are enjoying your time in it so much when another person comes up to you who is bigger and stronger and says, "It is now time to give Susie your car. You have had your turn, and Susie wants it now."

Think about how that would feel to you as we explore the reasons to NOT ask your child to share:

1. If you have taken even a basic class on child development, you know that young children (as defined as birth to age 8) are egocentric. To get them to think of others before themselves is a very difficult, some would even say developmentally impossible thing for them to do. Does this mean we don't talk about our effects on other people, or model to our children the ways others should be treated, absolutely not. But it does mean, that when you force something like giving up a toy that they had first, you are actually forcing them to do something that so often leads to them thinking even more about themselves. How can they get it back? How angry they are that mom took it away. Tantrums often follow.

2. They are losing an opportunity to work on problem-solving with another child when we step in and force the issue. For two children to come up with their own plan on how they can both have the bike is so much more effective than the adults in the room coming up with what the adult thinks is the fair plan. Children have incredible ideas, they think outside the box and often they come up with ideas that they both agree too that an adult would never have thought of.

Which leads to the next point,

3. It can seriously disrupt relationships. When you play the police officer of fairness in the room, it often leads you to not consider the feelings involved and to simply make judgments on a situation. Feelings are very powerful, they need to be acknowledged, and no one likes to be judged. So it can really drive a wedge between you and your child when you take the one item your child has coveted all day and determine 10 minutes is long enough for him to have had it.
In addition, how do you think your child is going to feel towards the child that now has been given this coveted item? If your answer is warm and fuzzy and thinking about how it was rightfully their turn, you are seriously mistaken. S it can also really interrupt any chance of a budding friendship between children and lead to more bickering and racing to get toys in the long run.

4. Every item that a young child has is so important to them as the new car example in the beginning. It is "theirs" regardless of the adults determination of ownership. How unfair does that seem then to take it away from them?

5. We all know that children learn through play, so consider that every time your child has an item, even as simple as a leaf in their hand, they are on the verge of a great discovery. Maybe they are exploring gravity by dropping a ball over and over, or figuring out balance on the bike, or finally understanding that blue and yellow make green when you mix those paints at the easel. When we force children to share, we are deciding that the learning should stop dead in its tracks.

But how then can we help our children be the considerate people we hope for them to become.

1. Don't rush them, growing takes time. Just as crawling needs to come before walking, so does possession before sharing. Children need to fully experience ownership and understand it before they can know how and why to share. Every child that I have seen whose right to have whatever they have had in their hands is respected have been much more likely to share. Knowing that when I have something, it will be respected. Not knowing if you will ever be given the time you need with something and that it could be taken from you at any moment will make you a lot less likely to give it up whenever you again have it in your hand.

2, Model, Model, Model. Share with them, your friends, other children. Don't become a preacher of being a good sharer, but put into practice the values you hold dear. It will come across in the end.

3. Listen to your child's feelings even when you think they are being selfish and unfair. Sometimes all a child wants to hear is that you understand that they really love that firetruck and could play with it all day. Once they know you know that about them, they can become much more likely to share it.

4. Ignore what other parents think about your parenting. So often we interact with our children in ways that we think others believe we should. When we do that, it is almost guaranteed that we will forget about what our own parenting goals are.

5. Trust your children, they will share in time.

Parenting Book List

Here is a list of all the books I think should be "must reads" on a the list of anyone who works with children in any capacity. The books are in order of my preference in the beginning, however, different books are better for differnt areas of parenting and child development so it depends many times on what speaks to you... ENJOY!

Unconditional Parenting
Punished By Rewards
No Competition
by Alfie Kohn
*you can also read many articles of Alfie's on his website.

Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Thomas Gordon

Siblings Without Rivalry
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich

Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne

Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

Parenting Well in a Media Age by Gloria DeGaetano

Endangered Minds: Why our children don’t think and what we can do about it
Failure to Connect: How computers affect our children’s minds and what we can do about it
by Jane Healy

You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy

Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber

Smart Moves by Carla Hanaford

Reading Magic: How reading aloud to your children will change their lives forever
by Mem Fox

Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginot

Speaking of Sex
More Speaking of Sex
by Meg Hinckly

The Hurried Child by David Elkind

parenting book review: The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff

The front cover of my book has a quote by John Holt that states, "If the world could be saved by a book, this just might be the book."

After reading this, I was expecting quite an eye opening experience. A friend told me I would feel quite guilty after reading this book. Neither of these things happened for me.

I was expecting a list of rules, a background on where attachment parenting came from, and well.... a plan to change the world. I also got none of these things. I never usually disagree with Holt.

The book is an anthropological view of the Yequana people in the South American jungles and how they function especially in regards to the care of infants and young children.

It was fascinating to hear about this culture which guides the premise for the entire book. The culture is one that seems to have been untouched by the western world which is always so inspiring to me. There were many things about how they view life, work, and relationships that refreshed in me the goals I have for myself and for my family.

There were moments of utter sadness as the author describes what it must be like for an infant left to cry alone in his crib at night or one who is left in a car seat and not held against a loving adult. This is the section I think she got right on, it definitely hit a chord in my soul

There were moments of guilt when I would read about how these creeping and crawling babies are left to explore their surroundings without fear that they will get hurt. She describes a situation where a baby was playing just next to a five foot gaping hole and would go right up to the edge but never over. This happened multiple times in her observation. The idea that children have instincts to protect them from danger and we do not need to do all of that for them was quite a revelation to me while I spent my days keeping my toddler from dashing into on coming traffic. Could it actually be my overriding of his own instinct that possibly diminished part of all of this natural tendency to protect himself?

There were moments of doubt when she would take every anti-social personality trait and link it back to deprivation in infancy. While I do believe that deprivation in infancy can cause some major problems and I will even give her that all the things she mentions could be from a lack of these "continuum principles" as she calls them, I cannot believe that it is the only possible cause. Also some traits she mentions are to me not negative attributes at all like becoming an actor for example. I do not believe all actors had a deprived infancy and therefore need to be loved by all. So this chapter was a little far reaching for me.

The book also ends talking about how we can get back into preserving the continuum in our daily lives. The suggestions are good.

Overall, this was not a groundbreaking book for me. It was very interesting, but as far as a great parenting book, it does not make my list. Those needing guiding principles for attachment parenting, there are so many other books I would recommend:

The Natural Child by Jan Hunt
and simply
Attachment Parenting by Dr. Sears

However if you are looking for anthropology or deep look at why attachment parenting principles are so needed from this view, this would be a good read.
Basically, if you have lots of time for reading, put this on your list.

Things that keep me awake at night....

I have said before that it is very difficult for me to even go out in public and watch parents interact with their children, I have told you the story of when I stepped in quite passionately (some might say interfered, actually some did) for the child being hit by his dad, and I have mentioned to you how leashes on children make me cringe.

These are not just ravings of a complete lunatic (well, maybe a little). One of the main reasons I write this blog is to get this stuff out of my head and into writing. I need this blog. I need it because I don't have a school to run anymore as an outlet to help families, I need it to remind me of the parent I never want to become, but mostly I need it so I can attempt to sleep at night.

Let me give you an example of what it is like to be me. While visiting with another family, I watched the dad walk up behind his baby and wipe his nose startling the baby in the process. Not once did this happen, not twice, but three times. If I had not known better, I would have thought the dad was purposely trying to be a stealth agent whose main goal was a surprise attack. The fourth time it happened, I was holding the baby and he startled me in the process too. I told the dad that later on when he least expected it, I was going to walk up behind him, grab his face and wipe HIS nose!

Now I did say it in a rather funny joking tone because well I guess I was trying to get the point across in a way that would make the most impact. Those who know me well, know that I have always struggled with this. Most people don't say everything they are thinking. When it comes to children and parenting especially, I DO. People have told me often that I could make more impact by changing my delivery. You know, the whole you get more flies with honey concept. Over several years of learning the this the hard way, I do it somewhat better, but here is why I continue to struggle with it.

Lets say I was at my sisters house and I came up behind her when she wasn't expecting it and wiped her nose. Now knowing my sisters and their families everyone in the room would probably laugh hysterically, everyone except maybe my sister. But imagine that I repeated it over and over again. Eventually, people in the room would at the very least say, "Tracy, knock it off!" There may even be a few that thought it was immature and I am pretty damn sure my sister would be pissed. And no one would question those people who stood up for my sister, not one person.

Well, that father was the one who was irritated, it was all over his face. How dare I tell him how to raise his child? How dare I interfere? Why don't I just keep my mouth shut and mind my own business?

Because I can't! I cannot keep my mouth shut when people treat babies and children in ways no one would stand if it was happening to an adult. It boggles my mind that so many people see children abused or at least disrespected frequently by the ones who are suppose to love them the most.

This situation is probably one many people would not even notice. And if I am to be honest, it is not the worst thing in the world to do to your child. I choose this example because it illustrates my point well and because it is one most people would not think twice about. Some might step in if this father had hit his child, but many would not. Most people would step in for foul treatment of a dog before anyone would question a parent and child interaction. And just think about how many things we say to children that we would never utter to our best friends.

So I will continue to work on the phrasing of things, but I will not stop speaking up because when I keep quiet, it implies that the action was OK and I will not teach my son that it is OK to treat small people this way.

Maybe I worry too much... maybe I AM a lunatic... I know I offend people often!

To me I guess it is the price I pay for being me and for not allowing these things to simply tear me up inside.

And as for sleeping at night.... I don't see this coming any time soon.

Meanwhile, I will continue to write, to read, and to educate when given the opportunity. I will begin here. Over the next few months, I will be starting a parenting book review on my blog. Many of these will be reviews of my favorites, but I also want to read all those popular ones out there and give my two cents on those as well. It should be worth months of free therapy! Bring on the books!

Becoming Tracy....

Side Note: I am stealing a little bit with that title from someone who has become a good friend, my go to person on all things green, and someone whose work on her blog I highly admire, my friend Sarah. She makes me laugh, cry, and I believe we may have been separated at birth we have so much in common.

What does it mean to become more of myself? I have always seen myself as growing, learning, and in process if you will. I believe that the day you stop growing as a person should be the day you say goodbye to it all.

In my study of child development, education, and my other passion, the environment, I have often felt overwhelmed. As if there is so much to learn and not enough time. A few days ago we watched Food, Inc and I felt like I would never be able to eat again, much less trust my government to do something simple like, ummm... keep food from killing people. Since then I have even entertained the idea of forgetting it all and living a life as an ignorant, smoking, fast food addict in front of the television all day. I mean it would be easier after all.

But then, there is my son. All of these years of reading, changing, therapy, inner reflection, tough decisions, paying more for the items I purchase, questioning practically everything that most of society takes as blind truth, and standing up for what I believe in even when it made me feel lonely, isolated, and even suicidal was for him. And it continues....

There are so many things I want for him, so many things I am falling short of providing for him, so many days when I feel like I know better than my current actions....

And then there are days when I am reminded about how much I do know, how much I can pass onto other new moms.

Today I was at a park with a friend and we started a discussion about sharing. We talked about the nature of young children and how important it is to not force directly, but to model the virtues we want our children to have. To not constantly take toys out of their hands and force them to share, to stop forcing them to say "please", "thank you", and "I'm sorry", but instead to be grateful ourselves, to show our gratitude, compassion, and love to and for others.

It is in these moments that I realize how much I know to be the right, but more importantly how much I need to continue learning and to make sure I am always doing my very best.

Hopefully one day my son will be able to say that he is grateful he had me for a mother. I know I am always trying to live up to deserving the incredible responsibility of that role.

Intactivism

When I first saw this word, I had a little chuckle, mostly because I thought it was extremism and emotionally charged. I know now how emotionally charged it is, because all those emotions overcome me on a pretty regular basis.

Many years before I had my child, I did not really think twice about circumcision, it was something that you just did or the child would be dirty and have possible problems down the line and after all it was medically necessary, and at the time the virgin in me thought about how disgusting it would be to have sex with an uncircumcised man!

I mean after all, I am an American and American culture is nothing if it isn't completely sex oriented. Breasts are for sexual pleasure, mothers who don't cover up when breastfeeding are considered exhibitionists, the penis, testicles, and breast have hundreds of names associated with them to avoid saying the real word while elbow is never heard as anything but well... elbow. Any pictures of a penis I saw were circumcised.

But somewhere along the way, circumcision came up again in my study of child development and this time it did not make any sense to me. Something felt wrong. I could not picture any baby going through such a horrid ordeal (with or without anesthesia) only days or even moments after coming into this world.

This is not a place where I want to discuss all the reasons that are out there for keeping your child intact (although there are many), but instead to talk about the hurt it causes me.

I cannot hear about a baby boy coming into this world without praying for it to be left alone. When I know a parent plans to circumcise it is almost impossible for me not to send out information in an effort to beg them to reconsider, and when I have read stories about parents who had wished they known more beforehand, I ache for what that must feel like.

I am eternally grateful for the crazy amount of research I do on all things child development, because if for no other reason, it saved my son from a senseless, shocking procedure.

Even if you take the infant genital cosmetic surgery (as I like to refer to it) out of the picture, even the act of strapping a newborn to a table to me seems like the cruelest thing one could do to a baby who has just emerged from the warm, dark, and quiet space of the womb.

So I am proud to say I am an intactivist. What has happened to us as a species that we can still allow this? Please let it end!

The part I really didn't understand......

That statement of "just wait until your a mom" that I heard over and over again probably applies the most when I think about the bond I have with my son.

I used to always say to parents, "you are the expert on your own child". I believed this, but the level to which that has rung true for me with my son is at such a deep level that I could not have understood before being his mom.

The other day, I caught myself saying the exact statement I heard so many times.
"She doesn't understand because she is not a mom."
You can substitute parent or dad for the previous noun as well. The point was, this person I was referring to held a bachelor's in child development. While she had very little actual experience with children, it was a very similar situation to the one I had been in with parents at the school where I directed and taught.

So I have spent the last week or so really thinking about what I meant, why I ultimately believed my current statement to be true and what it was about being a mom that holds so much weight in regards to understanding children, children's issues and parenting. This soul searching was the least I could do, I felt like I owed it to the poor child development major for whom I inflicted this statement upon after despising it myself for so many years.

I think one thing that it comes down to is the relationship I have with my child personally and hopefully the relationship each parent has with their own children. No one understands his language and gestures the way his father and I do. No one sees every little expression he makes every second of the day. No one stares at just him when he is seeing something new for the first time. No one else can hold a completely non verbal conversation with my child and know exactly what he is thinking.

I know all the parents out there have wanted to scream out loud at one time or another, "Did anyone just see how amazing this child is?" or "Isn't he the funniest, most beautiful child you have ever seen?" We all now the joy of witnessing our children do something for the first time ever. Or the love and satisfaction you feel when you can meet your child's needs so completely they melt into your arms.

I have to tell you this relationship with my child makes me a better teacher, friend, and person. It makes me look at all children differently. It makes me notice more the little things all children do to communicate with us. It makes it impossible to hear another child cry and not want desperately to be there for them. It makes me even less tolerable than before to the injustices against them.

And I as much as I would have said that I understood all this before I was a mother, it was on an intellectual level that I understood it, not on the emotional, hard core, straight to your soul level on which I now GET IT.

Respect... it is not just for adults! (Part 2)

The other day I was driving my car down the road and I saw a sight that is all too familiar nowadays.

A mother pulling her child on a leash. You know what I mean, the "harness" designed to keep your child "safe".

Usually when I see this, the parent is at the very least walking behind the child or next to the child. This particular mother was actually pulling her child while she strutted, yes strutted, down the street in her huge Pretty Woman style sunhat and high heels. Her child was struggling to keep up and even tried to stop to look at a flower before being yanked away.

I almost turned my car around to have a little "discussion" with this "Mother", but I didn't and instead drove away feeling profoundly sad for this little girl. It made me wonder what adult personalities will be available to my son as his peers in his adult life. What issues will this child take away from this experience and how will effect her when she is a parent? Adding a cute dog, bear, or ugly character to the back of the harness does not fool the child out of knowing exactly what is happening to them.

Later that day, when we arrived home for naptime, I saw on my freecycle group, this posting:
OFFER: Toddler harness and leash
If your toddler is wearing this red Elmo harness, he can't run away as soon as you let go of his hand. I admit it is embarrassing to have your kid on a leash what with the public staring at you in horror, but if it keeps the kid from running into the street, it might be worth a try! (It didn't work for us; our kid found a way to wiggle out of it)

Oh boy, I have so much to say about this I don't even know where to begin!

1. Let me start by saying that I absolutely understand the fear of losing a person who makes your entire life worth living, a person whose entire well-being rests in your hands, and a person whom without you never thought this amount of love was even possible. I take all of those things very seriously and I do understand that a parent would do anything to keep there child safe. So unlike before, when I did not have my own child, I now understand the rationale behind the purchase of one of these items.

HOWEVER..........................

2. You are still dealing with a PERSON, a human being. I mean for goodness sake, I have seen many adults act more foolishly around a busy street than a lot of children. Why not put your husband in one of these too? I am not even all that fond of pulling an animal along on a leash, but your child? Some feelings just go so far beyond words for me.

3. And it doesn't even work for a child who is determined to get out of it!?!??! Are you serious? I am in deep admiration of that little kid who wriggled his way out of his Elmo Harness. He gives me hope that the human race, even the young sector will not stand for being treated horribly.

4. HOLD YOUR CHILD'S HAND! If you are a parent who has the child always dashing towards the street any opportunity he gets, I have some information for you. You are stronger than your child is. While it is your job to keep them safe it is also your job to keep him safe in a decent, respectful way. Hold their body if you have too while listening, explaining, etc... but I am sorry...
The leash is unacceptable.

5. I have an inkling that this product that is aimed to illicit the worst fears in parents in order to get them to open their pocket books also has an underlying appeal. I believe that it is an attempt to make a parents job "easier". By that I mean, the parent will not have to pay as close attention to the child. If I am right about this, then it makes me even more livid.

If you really don't want to share your outing with your child, get a babysitter.

Children learn about the world by exploring it slowly, curiously, and sometimes dangerously. They deserve our attention and our explanations. It is also our job to learn from them all that we have forgotten from our time as children. Stop and smell the roses with your child, have conversations, be present, and for goodness sake, stop treating children like dogs.

"I'm so glad to see you, let me take home a piece of your scalp."

My son gets so excited to see other children! Seriously giddy! He chirrups with delight. He shrieks with excitement while tightening both legs into a locked position.
Lately at some point, it results in at minimum a soft tap on the head and at full force, a bang and grab of any hair or lack there of that is accessible.

And of course I love to witness, participate, and encourage his excitement! It is actually my favorite part of toddler hood, being witness to his joy as he finds the things in life that interest him.

I must say 100 times a day with as much awe as before, "A bus!, A truck, ooh another doggie!"

Herein lies the rub.

I want him to express his feelings freely. To not hold back! To love with all his might, express his anger as strongly as he feels it, and even to cry until their are no more tears left to feel inside.

But I don't want the fallout of that expression to be the hurt and tears of another precious little baby.

I have tons of experience and training in helping children through this stage, but I have got to tell you this is where handling things as a PARENT is different.

Suddenly it is not only about being a teacher and handling an issue.

It is about:

*worrying other parents won't understand that this is very normal behavior
*knowing how it feels when your precious baby is hurt by another
*knowing that your child is curious about reactions, dominance, and how that all plays out and wanting him to get the right attitudes towards it
* not wanting my child to think I don't trust him by reacting every time he gets too close to a child, but also wanting to stop another from getting hurt (boy is that a fine line)
*making sure he has enough outlets for aggression and activity which I know to be important for children and boys especially

and mostly...
*wanting my precious boy to be loved by other children and adults in our lives

Boy, being a parent sure makes things a bit more complicated.

To all those whose children are getting the brunt of mine's learning curve here, we BOTH love you so much! Thanks for hanging in there with us, we are hitting lots of pillows right now!

Breastfeeding Exposure!

This past weekend I attended a "nurse-in", a demonstration to raise awareness for the laws surrounding breastfeeding in public after a mom was asked to leave a store for nursing her baby.
It was more than that to me and so many of the people who attended. It is about raising the bar when it comes to normalizing breastfeeding. It is about making it a beautiful thing in the eyes of the general public and it is about transitioning from the mentality that a woman needs to cover up to being celebrated and looked upon with awe and admiration.

There are so many reasons why I believe nursing in public is necessary and important, but the most significant to me is a reason I have heard against doing it.

Actually, there are many arguments against it:
That it is an intimate thing- sure, sometimes it is. So is kissing my husband as we walk through the park following our son. I don't know about you, but when I witness moments like these, it makes me feel all warm inside because I know I am witnessing the best part of humanity. And sometimes, nursing is just about filling an empty belly.

That is is disgusting- um, NO. And it taste pretty sweet actually.

But the one that always triggers something in me is:
That children might see it- I sure hope so!

Children NEED to see breastfeeding because they learn through example. So many of the children in my preschool (both boys and girls) would pretend nurse their dolls because they had seen mothers doing so. We did not have any play bottles in the doll area which was a conscious decision on my part. They get enough of that in the media and on the street, but because of the mentality of needing to cover up, they don't see nursing quite as often, especially if their own mother is unwilling or unable to nurse.

I think this needs to change. If it changed, mothers would not get complained about and asked to leave stores for making others feel "uncomfortable", dads would not be embarrassed or ashamed to have their wives nurse in public, and more babies would receive this perfect food to nourish their tiny bodies.

I once read an article about the country of Mongolia where breastfeeding is celebrated. It is seen as such a good thing, shop owners will put chairs out in front of their stores for nursing mothers because they believe they will get more business, people feel free to kiss a nursing baby on the cheek during the act, and the others are often verbally praised for the act.

When a mother is able to breastfeed, gets through all the bumps in the road to continue to nourish her baby with the best food possible, and then gets over the American mentality that it is somehow gross to do so in public, I want her to be cherished, not just simply tolerated.

Other than actually giving my son my milk, one of the benefits of nursing my baby has been my niece and nephew witnessing their cousin being fed. Before I began nursing, I am pretty sure neither of them knew it was even possible to feed a baby this way. My niece even asked me what I was doing the first time she witnessed it. She now nurses her dolls often my sister tells me and the thought makes me all teary eyed. I hope one day, she will be feel just a slight bit more confidant about her ability to nurse her babies and she will see it as a wonderful, irreplaceable gift.

I know I do. So go out and nurse your babies and don't cover up!

Another fabulous take on children witnessing Breastfeeding.

The burden of parenthood....

Everybody who is a parent understands the pure joy of having a child in their lives. The joys of parenthood are discussed openly and are undeniable. Being that it is so unbelievably wonderful (most of the time), it makes my particular burden so bearable.

This post is not meant to be a negative whining account of parenthood, but simply an acknowledgment of something I struggle with everyday.
What is this burden I speak of?

It looks something like the following stream of thoughts that run through my head:
"Elijah is not eating ALL of the food I have put in front of him, has he changed his mind about liking all these healthy foods?"

"We didn't read today, I'm not creating a lover of books!"

"I got frustrated and snapped at his daddy. I am such a bad example of a happy marriage."

"Elijah isn't being exposed to enough ________ (animals, nature, music, etc...)"

"I walked past that piece of trash without picking it up. Elijah will never be kind to the Earth!"

This endless desire to be the best mother I can turns itself into a negative stream of thoughts a lot of the time. Thoughts that do not help me or Elijah and most of the time leave me frustrated.

This is my burden: to be the best I can without worrying so much and to remember that Elijah needs me present in each moment so that his memories will be filled with happy times with his mama.

This is the most important thing I can do for him.

Yes, I'm paranoid...

Another thing those parents were right about when they said I would understand when I was a mom...

Cutting grapes.

Yes, I used to think that all those parents who cut grapes into fourths were out of their minds and way too paranoid. Isn't cutting them in half enough? Geez people, I thought.
It wasn't until I was a mom that I realized that cutting them in half does not change the diameter of the grape and they are still a choking hazard and it is not until you envision your little child choking on something you gave them that you cut the grapes in fourths.

I even cut blueberries, the small ones :).

For those of you who don't know about this website, blog, and magazine... it is hands down the best resource for parents out there. Dont live your parenting years without it.
http://mothering.com/all-things-mothering/

Popular Practices Examined... Part Two(Spanking)

Disclaimer: So this will likely not be a gentle, dont hurt anyone's feelings kind of post (but then again, are any of them?)

While in Maui(a beautiful place with beautiful people), I ran in to some not so beautiful acting locals in a general store. There was a young man with two teenagers and a very young child. I did not even notice the child at first because the others were so boisterous, but then I heard a very hard whack and a child scream and fall into tears. Then I heard another whack and another. I couldn't see the child yet, I just heard his very sad cry that was bringing me to tears as well.

Then the party of four emerged from the aisle towards the cash register. The dad (I use that term loosely), was paying for his goods and telling the store clerk how spoiled his child was, while the child obviously humiliated and in pain was rubbing his bottom and trying hard to hide his face and tears in the pant leg of his father. Apparently though crying is also a capital offense in his family so after telling him to stop crying several times, he raised his hand again to go for another. If this is how this child is treated in public, what happens at home?

I couldn't take it anymore so I jumped in and not so gracefully as I would have liked. I shouted, "Hey, just because you are bigger than him doesn't mean you have the right to hurt him."

Lots of mind your own business comments ensued from the teenagers and father, but the comments that disgusted me the most were:
"This is my child" from the young man and from the store clerk, "he needed it".

So lets start with the first one:
When one decides to place their penis in another woman's vagina, that automatically gives him the right to hit and humiliate any person that happens to unfortunately be the result of that sex. That is interesting determination.
I am sorry, but No. Children are not property. Most people would argue that even pets are not one's property to do as you deem fit.

and the second:
He needed to be physically hurt and humiliated? When has that ever worked to teach anything more than anger, resentment, violence, and revenge? If you don't believe me, you may want to check out the volumes of research on this topic.

I am really not OK with the term spanking at all because I believe that it exists simply to make hitting another person sound acceptable in conversation. Many justify spanking as a form of discipline. Discipline comes from the word disciple which means "to guide". I am having a hard time imagining Jesus guiding others by hitting them. I am trying to envision having any of the people in my life who have been a guiding force hit me. In fact, I have very strained relationships at best with any person who has ever "spanked" me.

While I may attempt to intervene on the behalf of children in a more helping, positive way in the future, I urge you all to step in and stand up for children who are unable to help themselves. I could tell it truly shocked this dad that I even thought his behavior was inappropriate and it probably made no difference at all (especially with the way I handled it), but maybe, just maybe one of those teenagers or that little boy will think twice before hitting their own child one day.

It is time for this practice to end once and for all.


"There never was a time when a major social problem was solved by beating a child. And there never will be such a time... For centuries adults have injured children and have lied about it, and other adults have heard those lies and then merely turned away,"
-Surgeon General Dr. C. Everett Koop, 1989

Popular Practices Examined... Part One (television)

I have been exposed to a whole new world of popular practices with babies since becoming a mother. While I have spent a lot of years in the field of early childhood, my everyday exposure and philosophies surrounded around the topics crucial to the 2-6 year old age range a majority of the time.

For many years now I have done parenting workshops on various topics, but without a doubt one of the topics I was most passionate about was television viewing and young children. Young children are defined as birth to eight years old by NAEYC.

For those who have not heard me give this workshop before (or many times before:), the research on screen viewing by young children is scary. It is not only about the content which most parents get and attempt to regulate by not showing violent shows, etc... It is also about the medium, the screen itself. The thousands of mega pixels that flash before the eyes of your children to make a picture on the screen, actually affects their brain.

For those who are not familiar with the brain, there are three components (triune brain model) that control different types of functioning.

*There is the Neo-Cortex which is responsible for higher level thinking, language, conscious thought, problem solving, sensory perception, and reasoning. It is part of the mammal brain only and really defines us as human in many ways.

*There is the Limbic System which is responsible for behavior, emotions, long term memory, and olfaction.

and then there is the:
*Reptilian Brain or R-complex which is the basic fight or flight level of the brain responsible for rage, protection, and basic survival mechanisms.

When children watch television, the screen they are viewing places them in the reptilian part of their brain where they are incapable of the the other levels of functioning. Their heart and respiratory rates increase and they are simply taking in input and analyzing it for no more than basic information. Have you ever noticed the blank stare on the faces of people watching TV? Is it any wonder people call it the idiot box?

Now I have heard many people say, "but my child learns so much from educational TV". This is not possible because higher level thought is not possible. They will be able to repeat what they heard, but the actual processing, understanding, and assimilation of that information is not happening.

Now here is the scary part, when your brain is put into reptilian functioning, it does not come out of it from 30 minutes to 3 hours! So if say, your child watch a bit of Sesame Street in the morning just before a visit to the museum or even a play date with her friend, it is likely she will not be able to take in any beneficial input or experiences due to the assault that just happened in the form of big bird.

Don't get me wrong, I think Sesame street, Mister Rogers, Lassie, even some (dare I say) Disney are decent programming, but it is just that... programming your child's brain and with a price to pay that is pretty hefty in my opinion. All of the topics Mister Rogers discusses are much better learned from life and books than from a screen.

I have spent many years spending time with children: some of which watch television, some of whom do not. It is very obvious to me the children who do even a little bit of viewing. You can see it in their creativity, in their imagination, in their play. I can give you examples that would make that reptilian brain spin.

Even the American Academy of Pediatrics says zero television viewing before the age of two which I consider to be a very liberal recommendation. They recognize the importance of infants having facial contact and the importance of language coming firsthand from another human being. As Dr. Sears puts it, "the best toy for a baby is its parent's faces." Still, programs such as babyTV, baby Einstein, and Nogin still exist.

When I was working with preschoolers, I thought TV viewing was only happening as they approached toddler and preschool years and beyond. Maybe the school had parents with a certain philosophical bias against television. However, what I am noticing as I get into the mommy world is that many people of new infants are choosing television, DVD's, and computer viewing for their babies! This really scares me. Actually, it terrifies me! Screen entertainment is a slippery, addictive slope. The more a child watches, the more they want. The more they want, the more advertising they are exposed to, and the more likely the imaginative world of fairies, gnomes, knights, and faraway lands cease to exist.

For those of you who still think you need the electronic babysitter to get anything done around the house, I promise you those shows are working against you. The begging, pleading, and whining for shows, character toys, special foods, and chemical filled bath products are just a stones throw away. Not to mention the fact that your child will be able to entertain themselves less and less.

Sure a baby requires a lot of attention and time, but as they mature, they play for longer and longer periods alone, look at books for longer and longer time frames, and are generally becoming more and more creative and independent. The television is slowing if not stopping that process dead in its tracks.

For more research and info on this topic:

-Endangered Minds: Why Children don't think-- and What We Can Do About It by Jane Healy

-FAILURE TO CONNECT: How Computers Affect Our Children's Minds -- and What We Can Do About It by Jane M. Healy

-Parenting Well in a Media Age: Keeping Our Kids Human by Gloria DeGaetano

-The Plug-In Drug: Television, Computers, and Family Life by Marie Winn

-Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television by Jerry Mander

They will guide us...

I am very lucky to have a huge group of friends to look towards for support in my parenting philosophy because when you group all the things I believe together it equals a way of parenting that is not all that common.
That being said, I (along with most of my friends) have lots of mainstream voices in my head. These voices are people whom I love and appreciate, but whom really do not understand why Josh and I make the decisions we do for Elijah. Some of them do not even try to understand our decisions, yet offer their advice or comments all too frequently.
The area where I am feeling the most pressure lately is in leaving Elijah. As he gets older (yes, he is the ripe old age of 12 months now), the pressure increases. Others want to babysit him or in their words give me time off. I genuinely appreciate this gesture as being a mama is exhausting as we all know, but I am not ready and neither is he.
My neighbor keeps making comments to me that basically amount to the fact that I will never leave him and he is just a big mama's boy. I think even a few months ago these comments affected me more than they do now. The reason is Elijah. He teaches me. Over the many years of watching other parents with their children, watching the ways other parents left their children (some for the first time in my care); I realized that one of the biggest hurdles parents have is trusting their children. I always told myself I would trust my child, that he knows what he needs. I learned this first from the famous Bev Bos and second from seeing it ring true time after time with the children in my care.

Still, once I had a baby so many doubts came back. I had learned enough times and it made sense to me the value in responding to a babies cry, but I doubted myself when Elijah only wanted to nurse to sleep. The fears overtakes you. Won't I make him dependent on nursing to sleep, I thought. And now with leaving him, he is VERY attached to mommy and for a while daddy would never do, but slowly Daddy, Grandma, and even Grandpa are starting to be wonderful "meeters of needs" also. With time, he was ready, ready to trust other people in his life. Of course for the first nine months, he only wanted me. I mean he had spent more of his life inside my body than out. His only food came from me. It made sense. I just needed to see the relationship with his daddy begin to develop and then I was reminded that if I trust him, he will do it when he is ready.
Now, he stays with Daddy while I run errands and while no one else will do when he is tired, hungry, hurt, or scared, one day that will change. I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.
I pledge to continue trusting Elijah when I am not sure, he will guide us.

Wooooo Wooooo

Today, Elijah heard a siren and right after he said, "Wooooo Wooooo." It was so precious. He was communicating with me, and every new opportunity to communicate with my son is a gift. After working with parents for years and teaching communication with children, my own son's first attempts at communicating with me are priceless.

But it also made me a little sad. He was, after all, repeating a sound he hears on at least a daily, if not hourly, basis since he was born. The sound of the great LBC. The place we call home. A 700-square foot condo that we own with absolutely NO outdoor space to call ours. No balcony, no porch, and definitely no yard.

For such a long time, the ideal that I have held for children and childhood and myself has been a meadow full of climbing trees, with a stream running through it. I picture a tree house, a few chickens, and maybe even a goat. I worked hard to create this at the preschool. A tried to create a haven away from the city life, away from even suburban life, for the children to just be.

And now I have my own child and he is growing so fast. To steal some words from Tom Hunter, "What will he remember from the time he was a child?" Where can he play free, run, climb, jump, and explore? Where can he do this without the fear of polluted water? Where can he hear the birds chirp and the grass rustle rather than the sirens blare? Where can he dig without finding cigarette butts and trash? Where can we be outdoors without long car rides?

Of all the things I want for my child, nature is among the most important. Does this mean I sacrifice being close to my friends and family, and those who know me best? Do I sacrifice diversity, progressive thinking, and like-minded people?
I guess time will only tell. The problem is he is growing up now...
Woooooooo Wooooooo

No, he does not sleep through the night...

Today I was reading an article about breastmilk production and cue feeding, basically the idea that you feed your baby as much and as often as the baby requests, even if that happens to be in the middle of the night at 6 months old.
This article was exactly what I needed at this moment in my life as a mom....

I have been feeling so conflicted lately. Elijah was about 2 months old when he began to sleep for longer and longer periods which around 3 months even peaked at 11 hours straight. Most would consider this a parents dream and he must have needed it at the time. But shortly after that, the periods of sleep started to lessen and my child started to become more demanding about his needs at all hours of the day and night until at about 5.5 months when he began to wake up every hour and need the breast to put him back to sleep. In this last month, the sleep has increased a bit to every 2-3 hours waking during the night. I have been so wrought with guilt. What am I doing wrong? Doesn't my baby need more uninterrupted sleep? If he didn't eat so much at night, he would sleep better and eat more during the day, right?

But what were the options to get him on this plan... let him cry and refuse to feed him was the only one I could think of. That was not happening. I believe strongly in the signal of a babies cry and was not about to ignore him. I always tried other things first, lying with him, helping him find his thumb, sending daddy in, or even giving him my fingers to suck on. These work sometimes, but ultimately nothing puts him back to sleep like a warm breast full of milk.

So many people even so called experts and my own holistic pediatrician warn against feeding a baby this old at night, fearful of the habits it creates. It is hard to ignore that pressure and the questions that come with it. As a mother, I am always questioning whether what I am doing is providing the absolute best for my child.

This article talked about prolactin, a hormone that all mothers have until about 3-4 months postpartum that in addition to the baby sucking, helps produce milk. After 3-4 months, the prolactin goes away and the only thing keeping the milk supply up for this growing baby is the babies sucking.

Maybe this is why babies wake up? Maybe it is not because we are "spoiling" him? Maybe my son knows intuitively that he needs more milk.
I know so many people who say they had to stop nursing cause their milk dried up, that suddenly didn't seem to have enough milk for their babies. I wonder if there is a correlation between this and night nursing? I wonder if there is a correlation between this and moving a baby into their own crib in a room away from mom?

I also know that every baby/mother dyad is different and that many can continue to nurse exclusively just fine while sleeping through the night. I am sure that is why the idea that all babies should be able to exists. Maybe all babies can't do this.

The AAP recommends at least one year of breastfeeding, the WHO recommends at least two years. I want to make it to at least two years for Elijah's health. I believe it is the best thing I can do for his health. I also believe babies are designed to sleep with their mothers, in most other countries they do. I believe babies cry for a reason. So why all the internal conflict around nursing him at night? Ultimately I am sleeping fine, all I have to do is roll over. He and I barely wake up.

I don't have all the answers and I don't know how I feel about this when he is one or two, and maybe I am creating a bad habit.... but I do know I love my child and listening to what he is telling me is the only way to build a relationship of trust between us.

So once again, I am led me back to the conclusion that I need to trust my child, he will teach me. Cue feeding it is.

Is he a good baby?

I am always a bit perplexed by this question. How does one judge whether a child is inherently good or bad? What information are they after?
I, of course know what they mean is, "Does he sleep through the night?" "Does he cry a lot?", but I wonder why so many ask this. Is it that they don't know what else to ask or that all the other forms of the questions seem too personal. Maybe people truly think that a baby crying is a bad thing.

I think it implies a few things when one asks this question:

1. That not all babies are inherently good. Really, what could a 2 day old, a 2 month old, or really even a 2 year old do that would be considered bad? I choose to believe that all people are born inherently good and that it takes quite a bit to turn a good person into a bad one, primarily brain chemistry. Even those who commit acts that one would consider "bad" have reasons that lead up to these eventual actions that have very little to do with the core of the person.

2. That it is an infant's job to make life easier on its parents. Something is really backwards in this thinking. Is it overwhelming to bring a new little baby into your life, believe me I know this, and it is nice when that parent can feel like they have some answers and some help.  It is so important to have a village because all the baby can do at this point is exist and its entire purpose for months is simply to learn about trust. It should be the job of the parents to simply get to know their baby, respond to his/her needs consistently and fall in love with this new little life. Other people can take care of the house, the jobs, etc...
Too many parents get exhausted at this point by doing too much, not sleeping when the baby sleeps, and I really believe this always ends badly... and usually at the babies expense by trying to get them onto our schedule as soon as possible. Wrong!

....but probably the most disturbing underlying message a parent receives is...

3. That when a baby cries, it is a bad thing. As author Jan Hunt puts it in her book, The Natural Child:
"Crying is a signal provided by nature. It is meant to disturb the parents so that the child's need will be met. It makes no sense that nature would have provided all children with a routinely used signal that serves no good purpose."
Yet new parents who are trying to adjust to this little person who cannot talk and can only cry to get their needs met, are constantly asked about how often the baby cries or hear from other parents, "oh, he is so good, he hardly ever cries."
To me that is as absurd as saying, "oh my preschooler (teenager, best friend, etc...) is so good, they hardly ever talk to me."

I trust nature so much and when I don't have the answers, I try so hard to just see what makes sense in the world, the way nature would do it. I have learned so much about little babies lately, way more than my child development knowledge could ever have given me simply by having a baby. He teaches me. So I will continue to try my hardest to look at his fussing and his crying as much as his smiling and his laughing as his attempt to build a relationship with me and to bring me into his world. What a honor!

And please don't ask a new parent this question instead try, "what can I do for you?"

Love

One of the things I was always told was that my love would be different. Of the things that I was told would change when I had my own child, this is the one that left me the most puzzled. Many of you know I was a nanny for at least five years full time, but still consider myself one today as Cassandra and Nicholas will always be "my children". When I would tell people that I loved Cass and Nick so much, many times the response was like everything else, "wait til you have your OWN kids." Of course, as is always the case with this response, I am left speechless. How does one argue with that when one doesn't have children? I wondered about how people who had adopted children would have felt had they heard this statement. I wondered how I could possibly worry or feel anything deeper than what I was feeling for them? I wondered if the nightmares I had about them getting hurt would be even more scary after having my own child.

This was one area that did not make me upset, but instead more curious, was it possible to have an even greater love than I did.

But were they right.... yes and no.

Elijah is my life, along with my husband, he is everything to me. Do I love him more than Cass and Nick? I can honestly say I don't. He occupies his own space in my heart, one I never knew was there, one I never knew so desparately needed to be filled, but it is his own place and it is not comparable to the space Cassandra holds, or Nicholas, or my husband for that matter.

But Elijah has given me something I have never felt before. I am not exaclty sure how I explain it. Sometimes it is not all that pleasant, but mostly it is what gives me a purpose. It is a feeling deep down in my gut, to the core of who I am as a person. It is where all my worry comes from, where all my attentiveness originates. I know for certain it will NEVER go away. No matter where Elijah is on this Earth, that feeling will go with him. One of these wise mothers once told me, "Having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body." Absolutely!

Now instead of worrying about Cass and Nick when certain events spur it or once in a while, I now worry all the time. It is a constant feeling of being on guard, being mama bear. Now instead of having nightmares, I have them during the day, very vivid visions of what could happen to Elijah in each moment.

When he is asleep at night, I am constantly listening through a baby monitor for the sounds of our windows being opened and rarely does an hour go by that I don't check his breathing.
The other day, we walked past a dog, something I have done many times with children in my life. I used to always have the children ask the owner before approaching the animal to make sure the animal was safe, but this time I had a vision of Elijah's foot being bitten off by this dog. I am not kidding, these visions haunt me. I am cautious every minute of my day, some people might even say paranoid. And it is not just a thought about what could happen, but a literal video playing before my eyes.

So the intensity is different and I think it comes from the responsibility that comes with having your own child. I love Cass and Nick with my whole heart, being away from them makes me physically ill, and thinking they may be sad makes me want to fix it immediately, but like all the children in my life before Elijah, they have their own parents. Parents whose job it is to take care of them when I am not there and whether or not I have liked this in the past, whose influence will ultimatley matter more than mine.

That is not the case with Elijah, other than his father, I will have the single most important role in his young life. His safety, health, happiness, and the person he becomes is shaped by me more than any other person.
What an awesome and awe inspiring thing that is.

Is that the same as loving more... maybe.