Recently our little family accepted a job in Los Olivos, Ca. (just outside Santa Barbara). We will be working and living at the Dunn School. The picture on the front page there is seriously what it looks like ALL THE TIME. The beautiful Santa Ynez Valley and mountains surround us there as well as farms in every direction.
Many of you know that the city life has never really cut it for me. I have this dream of my children growing up on a farm surrounded by a back to basics life and one that includes the birth and death of animals, the change of seasons, and a calmer, more relaxed churn your own butter kind of life. As much as my son loves living next to the busiest fire station in Long Beach, I want more for him than car rides to the local nature spot. I want nature out our front door. I want to be able to be able to leave the front door unlocked and even let my child out of it without fear for his life.
Dunn and Los Olivos has so much of what we are looking for. There are no big boxes in the entire town, there is only one main street that when you drive down it instead of walk, people stop to see who that is. Wildflowers bloom in the spring and cover the hillsides. Does this picture not seriously remind you of the opening scene to Little House on the Prairie? The school has an organic gardens, pigs, and soon a chicken coop with fresh eggs for the taking. The schools dining hall (3 meals a day are included) throws nothing away. It is all composted, given to the pigs, or recycled. Elijah is welcome anywhere on the entire 50 plus acres. There is a pool, tennis courts, a gym, art studios, music teachers, and about two hundred over qualified teenage babysitters.
Oh and did I mention the chickens are coming? I have been assured of this and will build the coop myself if I have to.
Dunn has a strong community and one I am excited to be a part of.
By living at a boarding school, we can see daddy for lunch every day. We can give him a kiss in his office whenever we want. He no longer will spend two hours of his day in the car away from us polluting our precious Earth (even though he does have a hybrid), and we will be getting rid of one car (gets a bit closer to my goal of a minimalist life and zero impact living). There is a Waldorf school in Santa Barbara if we go that route either for my work or Elijah's education, and we will be closer to my child's grandparents who also live in Santa Barbara. And even if we were to drive every day to Santa Barbara, what a difference that would be. When we are in the car here, we are passing an advertisement every 10 seconds at least, buildings, and other cars, but driving in Los Olivos, the only things to look out the window at are rolling hills, cows, Lake Cachuma, and vineyards.
But here is the hard part.
We have a life here. Even my son of a mere 20 months has strong friendships to say the least. He has a second "mama", "brothers" and "sisters" and people who would die for him. I have a community, one that began with my school or even before with my job as a nanny and has continued with life long friendships that nurture me like no other. My second career of providing parent education is beginning to flourish. Even the midwives and doctors I love are here.
We have to start over. :(
Doing so will be the hardest thing I have ever, EVER done. So many faces have been flooding my head since making this decision. Tears are frequently just at the brim.
Knowing that Santa Barbara is only a 2 hour drive gives me hope that I will not loose all those precious, precious faces.
So with that I say, we are off for some new adventures and a new daily life taking with us the experiences and people who have made us who we are today. Always know you are in our hearts and souls forever. Yes, YOU!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Parenting Book List
Here is a list of all the books I think should be "must reads" on a the list of anyone who works with children in any capacity. The books are in order of my preference in the beginning, however, different books are better for differnt areas of parenting and child development so it depends many times on what speaks to you... ENJOY!
Unconditional Parenting
Punished By Rewards
No Competition
by Alfie Kohn
*you can also read many articles of Alfie's on his website.
Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Thomas Gordon
Siblings Without Rivalry
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich
Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne
Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
Parenting Well in a Media Age by Gloria DeGaetano
Endangered Minds: Why our children don’t think and what we can do about it
Failure to Connect: How computers affect our children’s minds and what we can do about it
by Jane Healy
You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy
Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber
Smart Moves by Carla Hanaford
Reading Magic: How reading aloud to your children will change their lives forever
by Mem Fox
Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginot
Speaking of Sex
More Speaking of Sex
by Meg Hinckly
The Hurried Child by David Elkind
Unconditional Parenting
Punished By Rewards
No Competition
by Alfie Kohn
*you can also read many articles of Alfie's on his website.
Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Thomas Gordon
Siblings Without Rivalry
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich
Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne
Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
Parenting Well in a Media Age by Gloria DeGaetano
Endangered Minds: Why our children don’t think and what we can do about it
Failure to Connect: How computers affect our children’s minds and what we can do about it
by Jane Healy
You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy
Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber
Smart Moves by Carla Hanaford
Reading Magic: How reading aloud to your children will change their lives forever
by Mem Fox
Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginot
Speaking of Sex
More Speaking of Sex
by Meg Hinckly
The Hurried Child by David Elkind
Discipline Workshop Notes
Thank you to everyone who came out to Granola Babies to talk about ways of working with the most important people in our lives! I had so much fun.... I think I may be turning that workshop into a 3 week series though, since there was so much info to cover.
Let me know if you have any questions....
Tracy
Discipline Workshop
When you think of your child as an adult, what attributes do you want them to possess, what words would you like to describe them?
Why No Corporal Punishment, Punishment, Rewards, and Praise- all along the same spectrum and achieve only one thing: temporary compliance and they do so using extrinsic control, conditional love, and a focus on self rather than others.
1. Manipulation- any relationship based on this is doomed…. Conditional vs. unconditional love
2. Reduces self reliance- our opinion of what they have done, who they are vs. theirs. 2 year olds rarely look for your opinions… we teach them this.
3. Steals their pleasure- tells them how to feel vs. letting them figure it out (scribble on a piece of paper= beautiful)
4. Loses interest/changes focus- start to see task as a means to an end (reward) instead of the intrinsic motivations to begin with AND gets them to focus on self rather than others (sharing example). What about toilet learning?
5. Reduces Achievement- Pizza Hut book it program, old mans plan, must up the anty continuously to get them to do something they previously did on their own.
“It is not enough to love children, they need to know they are loved unconditionally”- Alfie Kohn (for who they are not what they do)
All these attributes are not achieved in this way and can be undermined by the spectrum of tactics. Never in all my years of doing this workshop have I heard: obedient, got into Harvard, got an A’s in math, cautious, quiet, stays out of other people’s way, etc…
Discipline is different from all of these things: It comes from the root word disciple which means “to guide”.
-Our entire society is based on the work of BF Skinner and his theory of Behaviorism (rats, pigeons and applied it to people)
3 things to always keep in mind when working with a child….
1. Trust the child, they know what they need.
2. Think of what YOU would have wanted from the adult when you were a child when in a moment with a child (This never fails you)
3. This too shall pass and WAY TOO QUICKLY, try not to be in a hurry (we take ourselves too seriously)
*When we apply these concepts to infants, it is easy to accept, but as young children grow, we start to see them as manipulating us. In reality, there is a NEED behind EVERY behavior. Children do not have all the skills adults do to draw from when they are trying to express a need.
*AP parents will do these with infants, but at some point as it gets harder and children get older, many people stop because children discover new and interesting ways of getting what they NEED (ways that can drive us crazy at times, but also ways that are so endearing and lovable)
While you are on the phone, children cannot say: “Excuse me please mommy, I am feeling a bit off today and would really like some extra attention to meet some of my need for closeness and comfort right now so could you please cut your phone call a bit short.
When disciplining, we need to do 3 things:
1. Ask ourselves if what we are expecting or experiencing is developmentally appropriate? Question yourself? Is what you are asking really needed and is it fair? Is it really hurting anyone? Why do I want my child to do this? BE reflective
“Sometimes when children don’t do what they are told, the problem is with what they were told to do.” –Alfie Kohn
What children cannot do: Sharing, taking turns, collect information, cannot empathize ( saying please, thank you, I’m sorry), sitting for long periods of time, etc….
2. Figure out the need! -why wont they stay in bed at night? Million different reasons….
“We should attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts” – Nel Noddings
3. Stay calm and follow through
Disciplining Skills:
*Wants vs. Needs: If you are going to ask your child to do something, you need to be prepared for them to say No and for that to be OK. Otherwise, do not ask!
-When you put your foot down on important issues, make more room for choice in other areas.
*Follow Through - one of the biggest issues is that we stand in another room and ask our children to do something over and over again. This is developmentally not appropriate. So if you are going to tell them to do something, you need to follow through.
* Problem Solving:
“It is better to talk than to yell,
It is better to explain that to talk,
and it is better to elicit their ideas, than to explain.” –Alfie
Steps to Problem Solving: Kids learn to make good decisions by making decisions, NOT by following directions.
1. Diffuse the situation: Active Listening: (between two children, this could be stopping the pulling of hair ).
*** never talk to children in a way you would not speak to another adult (this includes tone of voice).
-Children need to feel heard before they can move on and listen to you
-You may have to active listen many times
2. State the problem
3. Ask for ideas first, then offer ideas. If the problem is between two children, I only offer my ideas if both of the children want to hear them. *** with younger non verbal children, you will offer your ideas and this will look a lot like redirecting.
4. Come to an agreeable solution for all parties- this will take time and does not always need to happen in the moment.
*Modeling Time Outs: When you get worked up and cannot stay calm, YOU need a time out. Step away and model for your children a time out. Breathe, go into another room, have spouse take over, etc…. whatever will make you calmer and able to work with your child again.
Time outs for children: There are never moments when I would use time out in its traditional super nanny fashion, however, there are times when a child’s safety is at stake or the time needed to problem solve isn’t possible, or a child simply is unable at a particular moment to live up to their end of the agreement when I would hold them or shadow them or remove them from a situation, but always there with them, listening to them, explaining, and allowing them bodily freedom whenever possible.
When they HAVE to, but don’t WANT to:
1. Use least intrusive strategy- don’t argue or yell, be prepared to repeat yourself, allow for bad days, children have them too, speak to them with respect (not in front of other people)
2. Be honest with them- acknowledge when something is not much fun, tell them you don’t like it either….
3. Explain the rationale- they are entitled to a rationale and not just “because I said so….”
4. Turn it into a game- toothbrush airplane game
5. Set an example- all rules apply to adults too
6. Give them as much choice as possible- with whom, what, when, where????
Rule #1: If you are in public, ignore everyone around you! The more worried you are about how other people will judge your parenting skills or your child’s tantrum, the greater the chance that you’ll respond with too much control and too little patience. This is not about what people think of you, it is about what your child needs.
Let me know if you have any questions....
Tracy
Discipline Workshop
When you think of your child as an adult, what attributes do you want them to possess, what words would you like to describe them?
Why No Corporal Punishment, Punishment, Rewards, and Praise- all along the same spectrum and achieve only one thing: temporary compliance and they do so using extrinsic control, conditional love, and a focus on self rather than others.
1. Manipulation- any relationship based on this is doomed…. Conditional vs. unconditional love
2. Reduces self reliance- our opinion of what they have done, who they are vs. theirs. 2 year olds rarely look for your opinions… we teach them this.
3. Steals their pleasure- tells them how to feel vs. letting them figure it out (scribble on a piece of paper= beautiful)
4. Loses interest/changes focus- start to see task as a means to an end (reward) instead of the intrinsic motivations to begin with AND gets them to focus on self rather than others (sharing example). What about toilet learning?
5. Reduces Achievement- Pizza Hut book it program, old mans plan, must up the anty continuously to get them to do something they previously did on their own.
“It is not enough to love children, they need to know they are loved unconditionally”- Alfie Kohn (for who they are not what they do)
All these attributes are not achieved in this way and can be undermined by the spectrum of tactics. Never in all my years of doing this workshop have I heard: obedient, got into Harvard, got an A’s in math, cautious, quiet, stays out of other people’s way, etc…
Discipline is different from all of these things: It comes from the root word disciple which means “to guide”.
-Our entire society is based on the work of BF Skinner and his theory of Behaviorism (rats, pigeons and applied it to people)
3 things to always keep in mind when working with a child….
1. Trust the child, they know what they need.
2. Think of what YOU would have wanted from the adult when you were a child when in a moment with a child (This never fails you)
3. This too shall pass and WAY TOO QUICKLY, try not to be in a hurry (we take ourselves too seriously)
*When we apply these concepts to infants, it is easy to accept, but as young children grow, we start to see them as manipulating us. In reality, there is a NEED behind EVERY behavior. Children do not have all the skills adults do to draw from when they are trying to express a need.
*AP parents will do these with infants, but at some point as it gets harder and children get older, many people stop because children discover new and interesting ways of getting what they NEED (ways that can drive us crazy at times, but also ways that are so endearing and lovable)
While you are on the phone, children cannot say: “Excuse me please mommy, I am feeling a bit off today and would really like some extra attention to meet some of my need for closeness and comfort right now so could you please cut your phone call a bit short.
When disciplining, we need to do 3 things:
1. Ask ourselves if what we are expecting or experiencing is developmentally appropriate? Question yourself? Is what you are asking really needed and is it fair? Is it really hurting anyone? Why do I want my child to do this? BE reflective
“Sometimes when children don’t do what they are told, the problem is with what they were told to do.” –Alfie Kohn
What children cannot do: Sharing, taking turns, collect information, cannot empathize ( saying please, thank you, I’m sorry), sitting for long periods of time, etc….
2. Figure out the need! -why wont they stay in bed at night? Million different reasons….
“We should attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts” – Nel Noddings
3. Stay calm and follow through
Disciplining Skills:
*Wants vs. Needs: If you are going to ask your child to do something, you need to be prepared for them to say No and for that to be OK. Otherwise, do not ask!
-When you put your foot down on important issues, make more room for choice in other areas.
*Follow Through - one of the biggest issues is that we stand in another room and ask our children to do something over and over again. This is developmentally not appropriate. So if you are going to tell them to do something, you need to follow through.
* Problem Solving:
“It is better to talk than to yell,
It is better to explain that to talk,
and it is better to elicit their ideas, than to explain.” –Alfie
Steps to Problem Solving: Kids learn to make good decisions by making decisions, NOT by following directions.
1. Diffuse the situation: Active Listening: (between two children, this could be stopping the pulling of hair ).
*** never talk to children in a way you would not speak to another adult (this includes tone of voice).
-Children need to feel heard before they can move on and listen to you
-You may have to active listen many times
2. State the problem
3. Ask for ideas first, then offer ideas. If the problem is between two children, I only offer my ideas if both of the children want to hear them. *** with younger non verbal children, you will offer your ideas and this will look a lot like redirecting.
4. Come to an agreeable solution for all parties- this will take time and does not always need to happen in the moment.
*Modeling Time Outs: When you get worked up and cannot stay calm, YOU need a time out. Step away and model for your children a time out. Breathe, go into another room, have spouse take over, etc…. whatever will make you calmer and able to work with your child again.
Time outs for children: There are never moments when I would use time out in its traditional super nanny fashion, however, there are times when a child’s safety is at stake or the time needed to problem solve isn’t possible, or a child simply is unable at a particular moment to live up to their end of the agreement when I would hold them or shadow them or remove them from a situation, but always there with them, listening to them, explaining, and allowing them bodily freedom whenever possible.
When they HAVE to, but don’t WANT to:
1. Use least intrusive strategy- don’t argue or yell, be prepared to repeat yourself, allow for bad days, children have them too, speak to them with respect (not in front of other people)
2. Be honest with them- acknowledge when something is not much fun, tell them you don’t like it either….
3. Explain the rationale- they are entitled to a rationale and not just “because I said so….”
4. Turn it into a game- toothbrush airplane game
5. Set an example- all rules apply to adults too
6. Give them as much choice as possible- with whom, what, when, where????
Rule #1: If you are in public, ignore everyone around you! The more worried you are about how other people will judge your parenting skills or your child’s tantrum, the greater the chance that you’ll respond with too much control and too little patience. This is not about what people think of you, it is about what your child needs.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
parenting book review: The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff
The front cover of my book has a quote by John Holt that states, "If the world could be saved by a book, this just might be the book."
After reading this, I was expecting quite an eye opening experience. A friend told me I would feel quite guilty after reading this book. Neither of these things happened for me.
I was expecting a list of rules, a background on where attachment parenting came from, and well.... a plan to change the world. I also got none of these things. I never usually disagree with Holt.
The book is an anthropological view of the Yequana people in the South American jungles and how they function especially in regards to the care of infants and young children.
It was fascinating to hear about this culture which guides the premise for the entire book. The culture is one that seems to have been untouched by the western world which is always so inspiring to me. There were many things about how they view life, work, and relationships that refreshed in me the goals I have for myself and for my family.
There were moments of utter sadness as the author describes what it must be like for an infant left to cry alone in his crib at night or one who is left in a car seat and not held against a loving adult. This is the section I think she got right on, it definitely hit a chord in my soul
There were moments of guilt when I would read about how these creeping and crawling babies are left to explore their surroundings without fear that they will get hurt. She describes a situation where a baby was playing just next to a five foot gaping hole and would go right up to the edge but never over. This happened multiple times in her observation. The idea that children have instincts to protect them from danger and we do not need to do all of that for them was quite a revelation to me while I spent my days keeping my toddler from dashing into on coming traffic. Could it actually be my overriding of his own instinct that possibly diminished part of all of this natural tendency to protect himself?
There were moments of doubt when she would take every anti-social personality trait and link it back to deprivation in infancy. While I do believe that deprivation in infancy can cause some major problems and I will even give her that all the things she mentions could be from a lack of these "continuum principles" as she calls them, I cannot believe that it is the only possible cause. Also some traits she mentions are to me not negative attributes at all like becoming an actor for example. I do not believe all actors had a deprived infancy and therefore need to be loved by all. So this chapter was a little far reaching for me.
The book also ends talking about how we can get back into preserving the continuum in our daily lives. The suggestions are good.
Overall, this was not a groundbreaking book for me. It was very interesting, but as far as a great parenting book, it does not make my list. Those needing guiding principles for attachment parenting, there are so many other books I would recommend:
The Natural Child by Jan Hunt
and simply
Attachment Parenting by Dr. Sears
However if you are looking for anthropology or deep look at why attachment parenting principles are so needed from this view, this would be a good read.
Basically, if you have lots of time for reading, put this on your list.
After reading this, I was expecting quite an eye opening experience. A friend told me I would feel quite guilty after reading this book. Neither of these things happened for me.
I was expecting a list of rules, a background on where attachment parenting came from, and well.... a plan to change the world. I also got none of these things. I never usually disagree with Holt.
The book is an anthropological view of the Yequana people in the South American jungles and how they function especially in regards to the care of infants and young children.
It was fascinating to hear about this culture which guides the premise for the entire book. The culture is one that seems to have been untouched by the western world which is always so inspiring to me. There were many things about how they view life, work, and relationships that refreshed in me the goals I have for myself and for my family.
There were moments of utter sadness as the author describes what it must be like for an infant left to cry alone in his crib at night or one who is left in a car seat and not held against a loving adult. This is the section I think she got right on, it definitely hit a chord in my soul
There were moments of guilt when I would read about how these creeping and crawling babies are left to explore their surroundings without fear that they will get hurt. She describes a situation where a baby was playing just next to a five foot gaping hole and would go right up to the edge but never over. This happened multiple times in her observation. The idea that children have instincts to protect them from danger and we do not need to do all of that for them was quite a revelation to me while I spent my days keeping my toddler from dashing into on coming traffic. Could it actually be my overriding of his own instinct that possibly diminished part of all of this natural tendency to protect himself?
There were moments of doubt when she would take every anti-social personality trait and link it back to deprivation in infancy. While I do believe that deprivation in infancy can cause some major problems and I will even give her that all the things she mentions could be from a lack of these "continuum principles" as she calls them, I cannot believe that it is the only possible cause. Also some traits she mentions are to me not negative attributes at all like becoming an actor for example. I do not believe all actors had a deprived infancy and therefore need to be loved by all. So this chapter was a little far reaching for me.
The book also ends talking about how we can get back into preserving the continuum in our daily lives. The suggestions are good.
Overall, this was not a groundbreaking book for me. It was very interesting, but as far as a great parenting book, it does not make my list. Those needing guiding principles for attachment parenting, there are so many other books I would recommend:
The Natural Child by Jan Hunt
and simply
Attachment Parenting by Dr. Sears
However if you are looking for anthropology or deep look at why attachment parenting principles are so needed from this view, this would be a good read.
Basically, if you have lots of time for reading, put this on your list.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Things that keep me awake at night....
I have said before that it is very difficult for me to even go out in public and watch parents interact with their children, I have told you the story of when I stepped in quite passionately (some might say interfered, actually some did) for the child being hit by his dad, and I have mentioned to you how leashes on children make me cringe.
These are not just ravings of a complete lunatic (well, maybe a little). One of the main reasons I write this blog is to get this stuff out of my head and into writing. I need this blog. I need it because I don't have a school to run anymore as an outlet to help families, I need it to remind me of the parent I never want to become, but mostly I need it so I can attempt to sleep at night.
Let me give you an example of what it is like to be me. While visiting with another family, I watched the dad walk up behind his baby and wipe his nose startling the baby in the process. Not once did this happen, not twice, but three times. If I had not known better, I would have thought the dad was purposely trying to be a stealth agent whose main goal was a surprise attack. The fourth time it happened, I was holding the baby and he startled me in the process too. I told the dad that later on when he least expected it, I was going to walk up behind him, grab his face and wipe HIS nose!
Now I did say it in a rather funny joking tone because well I guess I was trying to get the point across in a way that would make the most impact. Those who know me well, know that I have always struggled with this. Most people don't say everything they are thinking. When it comes to children and parenting especially, I DO. People have told me often that I could make more impact by changing my delivery. You know, the whole you get more flies with honey concept. Over several years of learning the this the hard way, I do it somewhat better, but here is why I continue to struggle with it.
Lets say I was at my sisters house and I came up behind her when she wasn't expecting it and wiped her nose. Now knowing my sisters and their families everyone in the room would probably laugh hysterically, everyone except maybe my sister. But imagine that I repeated it over and over again. Eventually, people in the room would at the very least say, "Tracy, knock it off!" There may even be a few that thought it was immature and I am pretty damn sure my sister would be pissed. And no one would question those people who stood up for my sister, not one person.
Well, that father was the one who was irritated, it was all over his face. How dare I tell him how to raise his child? How dare I interfere? Why don't I just keep my mouth shut and mind my own business?
Because I can't! I cannot keep my mouth shut when people treat babies and children in ways no one would stand if it was happening to an adult. It boggles my mind that so many people see children abused or at least disrespected frequently by the ones who are suppose to love them the most.
This situation is probably one many people would not even notice. And if I am to be honest, it is not the worst thing in the world to do to your child. I choose this example because it illustrates my point well and because it is one most people would not think twice about. Some might step in if this father had hit his child, but many would not. Most people would step in for foul treatment of a dog before anyone would question a parent and child interaction. And just think about how many things we say to children that we would never utter to our best friends.
So I will continue to work on the phrasing of things, but I will not stop speaking up because when I keep quiet, it implies that the action was OK and I will not teach my son that it is OK to treat small people this way.
Maybe I worry too much... maybe I AM a lunatic... I know I offend people often!
To me I guess it is the price I pay for being me and for not allowing these things to simply tear me up inside.
And as for sleeping at night.... I don't see this coming any time soon.
Meanwhile, I will continue to write, to read, and to educate when given the opportunity. I will begin here. Over the next few months, I will be starting a parenting book review on my blog. Many of these will be reviews of my favorites, but I also want to read all those popular ones out there and give my two cents on those as well. It should be worth months of free therapy! Bring on the books!
These are not just ravings of a complete lunatic (well, maybe a little). One of the main reasons I write this blog is to get this stuff out of my head and into writing. I need this blog. I need it because I don't have a school to run anymore as an outlet to help families, I need it to remind me of the parent I never want to become, but mostly I need it so I can attempt to sleep at night.
Let me give you an example of what it is like to be me. While visiting with another family, I watched the dad walk up behind his baby and wipe his nose startling the baby in the process. Not once did this happen, not twice, but three times. If I had not known better, I would have thought the dad was purposely trying to be a stealth agent whose main goal was a surprise attack. The fourth time it happened, I was holding the baby and he startled me in the process too. I told the dad that later on when he least expected it, I was going to walk up behind him, grab his face and wipe HIS nose!
Now I did say it in a rather funny joking tone because well I guess I was trying to get the point across in a way that would make the most impact. Those who know me well, know that I have always struggled with this. Most people don't say everything they are thinking. When it comes to children and parenting especially, I DO. People have told me often that I could make more impact by changing my delivery. You know, the whole you get more flies with honey concept. Over several years of learning the this the hard way, I do it somewhat better, but here is why I continue to struggle with it.
Lets say I was at my sisters house and I came up behind her when she wasn't expecting it and wiped her nose. Now knowing my sisters and their families everyone in the room would probably laugh hysterically, everyone except maybe my sister. But imagine that I repeated it over and over again. Eventually, people in the room would at the very least say, "Tracy, knock it off!" There may even be a few that thought it was immature and I am pretty damn sure my sister would be pissed. And no one would question those people who stood up for my sister, not one person.
Well, that father was the one who was irritated, it was all over his face. How dare I tell him how to raise his child? How dare I interfere? Why don't I just keep my mouth shut and mind my own business?
Because I can't! I cannot keep my mouth shut when people treat babies and children in ways no one would stand if it was happening to an adult. It boggles my mind that so many people see children abused or at least disrespected frequently by the ones who are suppose to love them the most.
This situation is probably one many people would not even notice. And if I am to be honest, it is not the worst thing in the world to do to your child. I choose this example because it illustrates my point well and because it is one most people would not think twice about. Some might step in if this father had hit his child, but many would not. Most people would step in for foul treatment of a dog before anyone would question a parent and child interaction. And just think about how many things we say to children that we would never utter to our best friends.
So I will continue to work on the phrasing of things, but I will not stop speaking up because when I keep quiet, it implies that the action was OK and I will not teach my son that it is OK to treat small people this way.
Maybe I worry too much... maybe I AM a lunatic... I know I offend people often!
To me I guess it is the price I pay for being me and for not allowing these things to simply tear me up inside.
And as for sleeping at night.... I don't see this coming any time soon.
Meanwhile, I will continue to write, to read, and to educate when given the opportunity. I will begin here. Over the next few months, I will be starting a parenting book review on my blog. Many of these will be reviews of my favorites, but I also want to read all those popular ones out there and give my two cents on those as well. It should be worth months of free therapy! Bring on the books!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
To believe or not to believe....
Each year around this time, I would have a few parents wander into the preschool and sit down to ask me, "How can I tell my child Santa Claus is real when I don't believe in lying to my child."
I always appreciated this type of question because to me it meant that as parents they were questioning the choices they made each and every day on behalf of their children.
I personally believe that the mark of a "good" or effective parent is one who questions even the most seemingly benign things in society and says, "is this really right for me, my child, or our family?"
So it is interesting that I find myself asking myself the same question as the holidays approach. The same question I answered year after year quite confidently.
I value my relationship with my son and telling the truth is the cornerstone of any relationship, I truly believe that. But I also want him to develop his own ideas about the world, what he believes in, etc... without giving him what I believe is fact for me (although I do secretly hope he adopts many of our family values, like say buying organic and forgoing antiperspirant :)).
So what did I tell those parents for so many years?
One of the things that was not understood by many of them is that their 2 year old will not tromp up to them and demand to know if Santa Claus is real. In fact many young children (0-7 years old) will create their own fantasies that are real to them and adopt those of society even without our help. The reason for this is that young children live in a fantasy and imaginative realm. They are not capable of abstract thought yet, you know, the kind that makes you question ideas and think about them from many different points of view. The kind that helps you distinguish between fantasy and reality.
This is why I never believed in teaching religion and in particular God to young children. It is the reason television is so harmful at this age also. I do believe you should pass on the traditions of your family even religious ones if that is of importance to you, but to expect a young child to be able to understand anything other than the routine of celebrations and yearly rhythms attached to these religions is expecting way to much of such a young person and frankly, it will not happen.
But back to St. Nick... forming what I want for my family has been a bit of a challenge. There are of course some things that I believe are absolutely wrong when it comes to our American traditions and therefore are easy for me to leave out of my child's life. Those include:
1. Linking Santa Claus or any being real or fantastical (including God) to a big brother is watching you mentality. Some of the songs this time of year bug the hell out of me. You better watch out! You better not cry! Are you freakin kidding me? My child can cry whenever he needs to thank you very much and it will not change our expressions of love (including gift giving) towards him one teeny bit. It is called UNconditonal love for a reason.
Oh, and have you seen this? A spy in your home meant to teach your children something about behaving in ways that are not a pain in the ass to the parent? No thank you. I could go on about this forever, but let me just say one thing. I want my child to act in ways that are altruistic, kind, truthful, and loving because he knows it is the right thing to do and because of the effects of his actions on OTHER people. All this teaches is that it is important to make sure you are not caught because all that matters is what happens to ME and what I might not get if I do get caught.
So when the presents have been handed out, then who cares if I beat my little sister up the other 11 months out of the year? Although I am sure parents who use the elf also have many other form of sugar coated control in their bag of tricks for the rest of the year.
These tricks are manipulation and a really bad choice when choosing building blocks to a long term trusting relationship with your child. If you don't trust me, read more about it here and do some research on behaviorism, it will knock your socks off.
2. I really don't believe in teaching my child that the way Americans do things is the only way the world believes. For example Santa supposedly delivers presents to children all over the world who are waiting for him. There is even a Santa tracker on the computer for which you can see which country he is in on Christmas Eve (don't get me started on the computer and young children thing) BUT, not every country celebrates Christmas AND those who do celebrate St. Nick in one form or another do not all celebrate him on December 24th and 25th. In Germany for example, St. Nicholas day early in December is a bigger deal with shoes being left out for goodies to appear. Even certain Christians in our country have a problem with celebrating the birth of Christ in December when many believe it has been proven he was born in the summer.
3. With any gift giving holiday, the holiday will not be all about getting stuff in our family. It will about memories and time spent making things. We will give very few purchased items, we will spend a good deal of time passing on our values of handmade, eco-friendly practices with gift giving and holidays. Recycled, homemade, wooden, fair trade, and non commercial will be at the top of our thoughts. When our son was just born, we sent a very detailed gift letter to our closest friends and family. I will gladly share it with anyone interested since many have asked, but be prepared, it is a single spaced detailed rant :). It has helped us tremendously to pass on our values with regards to raising our child.
Now all that being said, I do not also believe it is the adult's right to thrust the realities of the adult non fantasy world onto such little children. Children have something we have all lost as adults. The see magic in everything. Each day is filled with wonder and awe and that should be preserved as long as they need it to be.
So in writing this I have come to some conclusions about our family and how I would prefer to celebrate this holiday each year.
1. One gift will be put out unwrapped on Christmas morning. I promise you, my young child will not ask who it is from.
2. No gifts will have tags that say "from Santa".
3. We will not take our child to see Santa Claus unless he asks us too and even then, we will have to talk first. I really have never understood why we force this scary man on the very youngest children. How many of you have that screaming child on Santa's lap photo? I wish I had mine to show you. Not to mention, going to see Santa is all about the getting and he usually asks the question, "have you been good this year?" To that I say, "bah humbug", my child is good by nature of being a person. Was he a pain in the butt from time to time? Sure, we all are, but that will not affect how we treat him.
4. We will read books about Christmas including ones like The Night before Christmas (although I draw the line at any book that focuses so much on getting stuff or being "good" vs. "bad"). There is amazing literature out there and poems and songs that create memories. I don't want my child to miss out on any of these. Harvey Slumfenburger's Christmas Present by John Burningham being one of the most amazing for sure although as my mentor Bev Bos says, "it should be read in July and all year long too". Without too much digress, this is a book about going to the ends of the Earth for another person, it is not preachy, and who couldn't say Harvey Slumfenburger a thousand times and not smile :)!
It will for sure be part of our traditions.
5. I will not lie to my child. If he asks me who bought a specific present, I will tell him the truth to the best of my ability. If he asks me if I believe in Santa Claus, fairies, the Easter Bunny, etc... I will say yes, I believe in their spirits. And when the time comes for him to ask us if Santa Claus is real, I will respond in the exact way I told each of my parents in the preschool to respond:
"What do you think?"
Isn't that what parenting is about anyway; creating an environment where children feel safe to tell you their thoughts and feelings? I want that for all children.
So tell me your thoughts, how do you navigate this road with your children?
I always appreciated this type of question because to me it meant that as parents they were questioning the choices they made each and every day on behalf of their children.
I personally believe that the mark of a "good" or effective parent is one who questions even the most seemingly benign things in society and says, "is this really right for me, my child, or our family?"
So it is interesting that I find myself asking myself the same question as the holidays approach. The same question I answered year after year quite confidently.
I value my relationship with my son and telling the truth is the cornerstone of any relationship, I truly believe that. But I also want him to develop his own ideas about the world, what he believes in, etc... without giving him what I believe is fact for me (although I do secretly hope he adopts many of our family values, like say buying organic and forgoing antiperspirant :)).
So what did I tell those parents for so many years?
One of the things that was not understood by many of them is that their 2 year old will not tromp up to them and demand to know if Santa Claus is real. In fact many young children (0-7 years old) will create their own fantasies that are real to them and adopt those of society even without our help. The reason for this is that young children live in a fantasy and imaginative realm. They are not capable of abstract thought yet, you know, the kind that makes you question ideas and think about them from many different points of view. The kind that helps you distinguish between fantasy and reality.
This is why I never believed in teaching religion and in particular God to young children. It is the reason television is so harmful at this age also. I do believe you should pass on the traditions of your family even religious ones if that is of importance to you, but to expect a young child to be able to understand anything other than the routine of celebrations and yearly rhythms attached to these religions is expecting way to much of such a young person and frankly, it will not happen.
But back to St. Nick... forming what I want for my family has been a bit of a challenge. There are of course some things that I believe are absolutely wrong when it comes to our American traditions and therefore are easy for me to leave out of my child's life. Those include:
1. Linking Santa Claus or any being real or fantastical (including God) to a big brother is watching you mentality. Some of the songs this time of year bug the hell out of me. You better watch out! You better not cry! Are you freakin kidding me? My child can cry whenever he needs to thank you very much and it will not change our expressions of love (including gift giving) towards him one teeny bit. It is called UNconditonal love for a reason.
Oh, and have you seen this? A spy in your home meant to teach your children something about behaving in ways that are not a pain in the ass to the parent? No thank you. I could go on about this forever, but let me just say one thing. I want my child to act in ways that are altruistic, kind, truthful, and loving because he knows it is the right thing to do and because of the effects of his actions on OTHER people. All this teaches is that it is important to make sure you are not caught because all that matters is what happens to ME and what I might not get if I do get caught.
So when the presents have been handed out, then who cares if I beat my little sister up the other 11 months out of the year? Although I am sure parents who use the elf also have many other form of sugar coated control in their bag of tricks for the rest of the year.
These tricks are manipulation and a really bad choice when choosing building blocks to a long term trusting relationship with your child. If you don't trust me, read more about it here and do some research on behaviorism, it will knock your socks off.
2. I really don't believe in teaching my child that the way Americans do things is the only way the world believes. For example Santa supposedly delivers presents to children all over the world who are waiting for him. There is even a Santa tracker on the computer for which you can see which country he is in on Christmas Eve (don't get me started on the computer and young children thing) BUT, not every country celebrates Christmas AND those who do celebrate St. Nick in one form or another do not all celebrate him on December 24th and 25th. In Germany for example, St. Nicholas day early in December is a bigger deal with shoes being left out for goodies to appear. Even certain Christians in our country have a problem with celebrating the birth of Christ in December when many believe it has been proven he was born in the summer.
3. With any gift giving holiday, the holiday will not be all about getting stuff in our family. It will about memories and time spent making things. We will give very few purchased items, we will spend a good deal of time passing on our values of handmade, eco-friendly practices with gift giving and holidays. Recycled, homemade, wooden, fair trade, and non commercial will be at the top of our thoughts. When our son was just born, we sent a very detailed gift letter to our closest friends and family. I will gladly share it with anyone interested since many have asked, but be prepared, it is a single spaced detailed rant :). It has helped us tremendously to pass on our values with regards to raising our child.
Now all that being said, I do not also believe it is the adult's right to thrust the realities of the adult non fantasy world onto such little children. Children have something we have all lost as adults. The see magic in everything. Each day is filled with wonder and awe and that should be preserved as long as they need it to be.
So in writing this I have come to some conclusions about our family and how I would prefer to celebrate this holiday each year.
1. One gift will be put out unwrapped on Christmas morning. I promise you, my young child will not ask who it is from.
2. No gifts will have tags that say "from Santa".
3. We will not take our child to see Santa Claus unless he asks us too and even then, we will have to talk first. I really have never understood why we force this scary man on the very youngest children. How many of you have that screaming child on Santa's lap photo? I wish I had mine to show you. Not to mention, going to see Santa is all about the getting and he usually asks the question, "have you been good this year?" To that I say, "bah humbug", my child is good by nature of being a person. Was he a pain in the butt from time to time? Sure, we all are, but that will not affect how we treat him.
4. We will read books about Christmas including ones like The Night before Christmas (although I draw the line at any book that focuses so much on getting stuff or being "good" vs. "bad"). There is amazing literature out there and poems and songs that create memories. I don't want my child to miss out on any of these. Harvey Slumfenburger's Christmas Present by John Burningham being one of the most amazing for sure although as my mentor Bev Bos says, "it should be read in July and all year long too". Without too much digress, this is a book about going to the ends of the Earth for another person, it is not preachy, and who couldn't say Harvey Slumfenburger a thousand times and not smile :)!
It will for sure be part of our traditions.
5. I will not lie to my child. If he asks me who bought a specific present, I will tell him the truth to the best of my ability. If he asks me if I believe in Santa Claus, fairies, the Easter Bunny, etc... I will say yes, I believe in their spirits. And when the time comes for him to ask us if Santa Claus is real, I will respond in the exact way I told each of my parents in the preschool to respond:
"What do you think?"
Isn't that what parenting is about anyway; creating an environment where children feel safe to tell you their thoughts and feelings? I want that for all children.
So tell me your thoughts, how do you navigate this road with your children?
Friday, October 22, 2010
Graveyard Explorations
I may just be giving you yet another reason to call me crazy, but many times if I cannot find a park for my son and I to explore, we will stop at a cemetery (actually if there is a cemetery nearby, I will likely pick it over the park if I am to be truly honest).
I love cemeteries. I used to take my preschoolers each year on Day of the Dead for some graveyard explorations. It is much more than a love of the dead though, I really think it is important that these places be spaces children experience.
In working with parents together on this issue, I have faced many criticisms and am familiar with them all. Instead of dealing with all of those, let me tell you why I love it.
1. Children have wide open space to run. They bring an exuberance to a quiet place that I think would leave many of those who lie beneath us smile.
2. When you are there, you see lots of names and I use this to remind me of the people in my life with the same name and what they mean to me and my family. A nice reminder to cherish those I love. I do not force this on children of course, but you would be surprised how children have their own way of doing this.
3. As they get older they ask many questions and what I ended up realizing was that cemeteries are not sad places, but places full of love. During one of my field trips many years ago a child asked me, "Why are there two pictures on there (a grave marker)?" I answered, "because some people love each other so much, when they die, they want to be buried together." The child responded, "Teacher Tracy, I want to be buried with you!" Ok now, lets take a moment to process that. Oh my goodness! This moment still ranks as one of the most special of my life. I know I have never received a better compliment.
For all of these reasons and more, I adore cemeteries, but if you do visit them with children, try to keep these things in mind:
1. Don't use words like sleeping, past away, etc... when referring to the dead. Children do not understand those words or concepts. Use "dead" and if you need to define dead, it means one cannot breathe, eat, sleep, talk, cry, poop.... you get the picture.
2, Don't insist that children be quiet or in anyway show reverence for the dead. This is not how young children are designed. I make an effort to be away from anyone who is grieving or from any funerals taking place and then I let the children explore as they need to.
3. Answer questions honestly, simply, matter-of-factly, and without too much woe. By this I mean treat death as simply a fact of life. Everyone dies one day, but were are not dying today. I do not mean that you should not acknowledge any feelings of concern your children show, you definitely should as you would with all their feelings, but also allow this topic to be something you feel confidant about discussing with them.
Today, my son and I had to run an errand near the memorial park where my grandma and great grandma are at rest. Both of them are in a wall in the mausoleum. So we stopped. It is a very large and there was LOTS to explore. In some ways it was like having a huge arboretum or garden all to ourselves. I got to introduce my son to my grandma. He waved at her as if he knew exactly what was going on. Makes me think children understand these issues on a deeper spiritual level that we, as adults, are further removed from.
Another opportunity for my child to teach me.
I hope you enjoy the photos.
First time at a cemetery and he did what every other child does when they hit the grass running.
"Look!" And notice, not a soul around. Well maybe a few we can't see.
There were fish in there too.
Cemeteries are a tractor lover's paradise!
On our way to the Mausoleum...
Playing in an out of the columns near my grandma.
He found running circles around this ramp to be the most fun!
I love cemeteries. I used to take my preschoolers each year on Day of the Dead for some graveyard explorations. It is much more than a love of the dead though, I really think it is important that these places be spaces children experience.
In working with parents together on this issue, I have faced many criticisms and am familiar with them all. Instead of dealing with all of those, let me tell you why I love it.
1. Children have wide open space to run. They bring an exuberance to a quiet place that I think would leave many of those who lie beneath us smile.
2. When you are there, you see lots of names and I use this to remind me of the people in my life with the same name and what they mean to me and my family. A nice reminder to cherish those I love. I do not force this on children of course, but you would be surprised how children have their own way of doing this.
3. As they get older they ask many questions and what I ended up realizing was that cemeteries are not sad places, but places full of love. During one of my field trips many years ago a child asked me, "Why are there two pictures on there (a grave marker)?" I answered, "because some people love each other so much, when they die, they want to be buried together." The child responded, "Teacher Tracy, I want to be buried with you!" Ok now, lets take a moment to process that. Oh my goodness! This moment still ranks as one of the most special of my life. I know I have never received a better compliment.
For all of these reasons and more, I adore cemeteries, but if you do visit them with children, try to keep these things in mind:
1. Don't use words like sleeping, past away, etc... when referring to the dead. Children do not understand those words or concepts. Use "dead" and if you need to define dead, it means one cannot breathe, eat, sleep, talk, cry, poop.... you get the picture.
2, Don't insist that children be quiet or in anyway show reverence for the dead. This is not how young children are designed. I make an effort to be away from anyone who is grieving or from any funerals taking place and then I let the children explore as they need to.
3. Answer questions honestly, simply, matter-of-factly, and without too much woe. By this I mean treat death as simply a fact of life. Everyone dies one day, but were are not dying today. I do not mean that you should not acknowledge any feelings of concern your children show, you definitely should as you would with all their feelings, but also allow this topic to be something you feel confidant about discussing with them.
Today, my son and I had to run an errand near the memorial park where my grandma and great grandma are at rest. Both of them are in a wall in the mausoleum. So we stopped. It is a very large and there was LOTS to explore. In some ways it was like having a huge arboretum or garden all to ourselves. I got to introduce my son to my grandma. He waved at her as if he knew exactly what was going on. Makes me think children understand these issues on a deeper spiritual level that we, as adults, are further removed from.
Another opportunity for my child to teach me.
I hope you enjoy the photos.
First time at a cemetery and he did what every other child does when they hit the grass running.
"Look!" And notice, not a soul around. Well maybe a few we can't see.
There were fish in there too.
Cemeteries are a tractor lover's paradise!
On our way to the Mausoleum...
Playing in an out of the columns near my grandma.
He found running circles around this ramp to be the most fun!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)