To believe or not to believe....

Each year around this time, I would have a few parents wander into the preschool and sit down to ask me, "How can I tell my child Santa Claus is real when I don't believe in lying to my child."

I always appreciated this type of question because to me it meant that as parents they were questioning the choices they made each and every day on behalf of their children.
I personally believe that the mark of a "good" or effective parent is one who questions even the most seemingly benign things in society and says, "is this really right for me, my child, or our family?"
So it is interesting that I find myself asking myself the same question as the holidays approach. The same question I answered year after year quite confidently.

I value my relationship with my son and telling the truth is the cornerstone of any relationship, I truly believe that. But I also want him to develop his own ideas about the world, what he believes in, etc... without giving him what I believe is fact for me (although I do secretly hope he adopts many of our family values, like say buying organic and forgoing antiperspirant :)).

So what did I tell those parents for so many years?
One of the things that was not understood by many of them is that their 2 year old will not tromp up to them and demand to know if Santa Claus is real. In fact many young children (0-7 years old) will create their own fantasies that are real to them and adopt those of society even without our help. The reason for this is that young children live in a fantasy and imaginative realm. They are not capable of abstract thought yet, you know, the kind that makes you question ideas and think about them from many different points of view. The kind that helps you distinguish between fantasy and reality.

This is why I never believed in teaching religion and in particular God to young children. It is the reason television is so harmful at this age also. I do believe you should pass on the traditions of your family even religious ones if that is of importance to you, but to expect a young child to be able to understand anything other than the routine of celebrations and yearly rhythms attached to these religions is expecting way to much of such a young person and frankly, it will not happen.

But back to St. Nick... forming what I want for my family has been a bit of a challenge. There are of course some things that I believe are absolutely wrong when it comes to our American traditions and therefore are easy for me to leave out of my child's life. Those include:

1. Linking Santa Claus or any being real or fantastical (including God) to a big brother is watching you mentality. Some of the songs this time of year bug the hell out of me. You better watch out! You better not cry! Are you freakin kidding me? My child can cry whenever he needs to thank you very much and it will not change our expressions of love (including gift giving) towards him one teeny bit. It is called UNconditonal love for a reason.
Oh, and have you seen this? A spy in your home meant to teach your children something about behaving in ways that are not a pain in the ass to the parent? No thank you. I could go on about this forever, but let me just say one thing. I want my child to act in ways that are altruistic, kind, truthful, and loving because he knows it is the right thing to do and because of the effects of his actions on OTHER people. All this teaches is that it is important to make sure you are not caught because all that matters is what happens to ME and what I might not get if I do get caught.
So when the presents have been handed out, then who cares if I beat my little sister up the other 11 months out of the year? Although I am sure parents who use the elf also have many other form of sugar coated control in their bag of tricks for the rest of the year.
These tricks are manipulation and a really bad choice when choosing building blocks to a long term trusting relationship with your child. If you don't trust me, read more about it here and do some research on behaviorism, it will knock your socks off.

2. I really don't believe in teaching my child that the way Americans do things is the only way the world believes. For example Santa supposedly delivers presents to children all over the world who are waiting for him. There is even a Santa tracker on the computer for which you can see which country he is in on Christmas Eve (don't get me started on the computer and young children thing) BUT, not every country celebrates Christmas AND those who do celebrate St. Nick in one form or another do not all celebrate him on December 24th and 25th. In Germany for example, St. Nicholas day early in December is a bigger deal with shoes being left out for goodies to appear. Even certain Christians in our country have a problem with celebrating the birth of Christ in December when many believe it has been proven he was born in the summer.

3. With any gift giving holiday, the holiday will not be all about getting stuff in our family. It will about memories and time spent making things. We will give very few purchased items, we will spend a good deal of time passing on our values of handmade, eco-friendly practices with gift giving and holidays. Recycled, homemade, wooden, fair trade, and non commercial will be at the top of our thoughts. When our son was just born, we sent a very detailed gift letter to our closest friends and family. I will gladly share it with anyone interested since many have asked, but be prepared, it is a single spaced detailed rant :). It has helped us tremendously to pass on our values with regards to raising our child.

Now all that being said, I do not also believe it is the adult's right to thrust the realities of the adult non fantasy world onto such little children. Children have something we have all lost as adults. The see magic in everything. Each day is filled with wonder and awe and that should be preserved as long as they need it to be.

So in writing this I have come to some conclusions about our family and how I would prefer to celebrate this holiday each year.

1. One gift will be put out unwrapped on Christmas morning. I promise you, my young child will not ask who it is from.

2. No gifts will have tags that say "from Santa".

3. We will not take our child to see Santa Claus unless he asks us too and even then, we will have to talk first. I really have never understood why we force this scary man on the very youngest children. How many of you have that screaming child on Santa's lap photo? I wish I had mine to show you. Not to mention, going to see Santa is all about the getting and he usually asks the question, "have you been good this year?" To that I say, "bah humbug", my child is good by nature of being a person. Was he a pain in the butt from time to time? Sure, we all are, but that will not affect how we treat him.

4. We will read books about Christmas including ones like The Night before Christmas (although I draw the line at any book that focuses so much on getting stuff or being "good" vs. "bad"). There is amazing literature out there and poems and songs that create memories. I don't want my child to miss out on any of these. Harvey Slumfenburger's Christmas Present by John Burningham being one of the most amazing for sure although as my mentor Bev Bos says, "it should be read in July and all year long too". Without too much digress, this is a book about going to the ends of the Earth for another person, it is not preachy, and who couldn't say Harvey Slumfenburger a thousand times and not smile :)!
It will for sure be part of our traditions.

5. I will not lie to my child. If he asks me who bought a specific present, I will tell him the truth to the best of my ability. If he asks me if I believe in Santa Claus, fairies, the Easter Bunny, etc... I will say yes, I believe in their spirits. And when the time comes for him to ask us if Santa Claus is real, I will respond in the exact way I told each of my parents in the preschool to respond:

"What do you think?"

Isn't that what parenting is about anyway; creating an environment where children feel safe to tell you their thoughts and feelings? I want that for all children.

So tell me your thoughts, how do you navigate this road with your children?

Graveyard Explorations

I may just be giving you yet another reason to call me crazy, but many times if I cannot find a park for my son and I to explore, we will stop at a cemetery (actually if there is a cemetery nearby, I will likely pick it over the park if I am to be truly honest).

I love cemeteries. I used to take my preschoolers each year on Day of the Dead for some graveyard explorations. It is much more than a love of the dead though, I really think it is important that these places be spaces children experience.

In working with parents together on this issue, I have faced many criticisms and am familiar with them all. Instead of dealing with all of those, let me tell you why I love it.

1. Children have wide open space to run. They bring an exuberance to a quiet place that I think would leave many of those who lie beneath us smile.

2. When you are there, you see lots of names and I use this to remind me of the people in my life with the same name and what they mean to me and my family. A nice reminder to cherish those I love. I do not force this on children of course, but you would be surprised how children have their own way of doing this.

3. As they get older they ask many questions and what I ended up realizing was that cemeteries are not sad places, but places full of love. During one of my field trips many years ago a child asked me, "Why are there two pictures on there (a grave marker)?" I answered, "because some people love each other so much, when they die, they want to be buried together." The child responded, "Teacher Tracy, I want to be buried with you!" Ok now, lets take a moment to process that. Oh my goodness! This moment still ranks as one of the most special of my life. I know I have never received a better compliment.

For all of these reasons and more, I adore cemeteries, but if you do visit them with children, try to keep these things in mind:
1. Don't use words like sleeping, past away, etc... when referring to the dead. Children do not understand those words or concepts. Use "dead" and if you need to define dead, it means one cannot breathe, eat, sleep, talk, cry, poop.... you get the picture.

2, Don't insist that children be quiet or in anyway show reverence for the dead. This is not how young children are designed. I make an effort to be away from anyone who is grieving or from any funerals taking place and then I let the children explore as they need to.

3. Answer questions honestly, simply, matter-of-factly, and without too much woe. By this I mean treat death as simply a fact of life. Everyone dies one day, but were are not dying today. I do not mean that you should not acknowledge any feelings of concern your children show, you definitely should as you would with all their feelings, but also allow this topic to be something you feel confidant about discussing with them.

Today, my son and I had to run an errand near the memorial park where my grandma and great grandma are at rest. Both of them are in a wall in the mausoleum. So we stopped. It is a very large and there was LOTS to explore. In some ways it was like having a huge arboretum or garden all to ourselves. I got to introduce my son to my grandma. He waved at her as if he knew exactly what was going on. Makes me think children understand these issues on a deeper spiritual level that we, as adults, are further removed from.
Another opportunity for my child to teach me.
I hope you enjoy the photos.


First time at a cemetery and he did what every other child does when they hit the grass running.


"Look!" And notice, not a soul around. Well maybe a few we can't see.


There were fish in there too.


Cemeteries are a tractor lover's paradise!


On our way to the Mausoleum...


Playing in an out of the columns near my grandma.


He found running circles around this ramp to be the most fun!

Becoming Tracy....

Side Note: I am stealing a little bit with that title from someone who has become a good friend, my go to person on all things green, and someone whose work on her blog I highly admire, my friend Sarah. She makes me laugh, cry, and I believe we may have been separated at birth we have so much in common.

What does it mean to become more of myself? I have always seen myself as growing, learning, and in process if you will. I believe that the day you stop growing as a person should be the day you say goodbye to it all.

In my study of child development, education, and my other passion, the environment, I have often felt overwhelmed. As if there is so much to learn and not enough time. A few days ago we watched Food, Inc and I felt like I would never be able to eat again, much less trust my government to do something simple like, ummm... keep food from killing people. Since then I have even entertained the idea of forgetting it all and living a life as an ignorant, smoking, fast food addict in front of the television all day. I mean it would be easier after all.

But then, there is my son. All of these years of reading, changing, therapy, inner reflection, tough decisions, paying more for the items I purchase, questioning practically everything that most of society takes as blind truth, and standing up for what I believe in even when it made me feel lonely, isolated, and even suicidal was for him. And it continues....

There are so many things I want for him, so many things I am falling short of providing for him, so many days when I feel like I know better than my current actions....

And then there are days when I am reminded about how much I do know, how much I can pass onto other new moms.

Today I was at a park with a friend and we started a discussion about sharing. We talked about the nature of young children and how important it is to not force directly, but to model the virtues we want our children to have. To not constantly take toys out of their hands and force them to share, to stop forcing them to say "please", "thank you", and "I'm sorry", but instead to be grateful ourselves, to show our gratitude, compassion, and love to and for others.

It is in these moments that I realize how much I know to be the right, but more importantly how much I need to continue learning and to make sure I am always doing my very best.

Hopefully one day my son will be able to say that he is grateful he had me for a mother. I know I am always trying to live up to deserving the incredible responsibility of that role.

Intactivism

When I first saw this word, I had a little chuckle, mostly because I thought it was extremism and emotionally charged. I know now how emotionally charged it is, because all those emotions overcome me on a pretty regular basis.

Many years before I had my child, I did not really think twice about circumcision, it was something that you just did or the child would be dirty and have possible problems down the line and after all it was medically necessary, and at the time the virgin in me thought about how disgusting it would be to have sex with an uncircumcised man!

I mean after all, I am an American and American culture is nothing if it isn't completely sex oriented. Breasts are for sexual pleasure, mothers who don't cover up when breastfeeding are considered exhibitionists, the penis, testicles, and breast have hundreds of names associated with them to avoid saying the real word while elbow is never heard as anything but well... elbow. Any pictures of a penis I saw were circumcised.

But somewhere along the way, circumcision came up again in my study of child development and this time it did not make any sense to me. Something felt wrong. I could not picture any baby going through such a horrid ordeal (with or without anesthesia) only days or even moments after coming into this world.

This is not a place where I want to discuss all the reasons that are out there for keeping your child intact (although there are many), but instead to talk about the hurt it causes me.

I cannot hear about a baby boy coming into this world without praying for it to be left alone. When I know a parent plans to circumcise it is almost impossible for me not to send out information in an effort to beg them to reconsider, and when I have read stories about parents who had wished they known more beforehand, I ache for what that must feel like.

I am eternally grateful for the crazy amount of research I do on all things child development, because if for no other reason, it saved my son from a senseless, shocking procedure.

Even if you take the infant genital cosmetic surgery (as I like to refer to it) out of the picture, even the act of strapping a newborn to a table to me seems like the cruelest thing one could do to a baby who has just emerged from the warm, dark, and quiet space of the womb.

So I am proud to say I am an intactivist. What has happened to us as a species that we can still allow this? Please let it end!

The part I really didn't understand......

That statement of "just wait until your a mom" that I heard over and over again probably applies the most when I think about the bond I have with my son.

I used to always say to parents, "you are the expert on your own child". I believed this, but the level to which that has rung true for me with my son is at such a deep level that I could not have understood before being his mom.

The other day, I caught myself saying the exact statement I heard so many times.
"She doesn't understand because she is not a mom."
You can substitute parent or dad for the previous noun as well. The point was, this person I was referring to held a bachelor's in child development. While she had very little actual experience with children, it was a very similar situation to the one I had been in with parents at the school where I directed and taught.

So I have spent the last week or so really thinking about what I meant, why I ultimately believed my current statement to be true and what it was about being a mom that holds so much weight in regards to understanding children, children's issues and parenting. This soul searching was the least I could do, I felt like I owed it to the poor child development major for whom I inflicted this statement upon after despising it myself for so many years.

I think one thing that it comes down to is the relationship I have with my child personally and hopefully the relationship each parent has with their own children. No one understands his language and gestures the way his father and I do. No one sees every little expression he makes every second of the day. No one stares at just him when he is seeing something new for the first time. No one else can hold a completely non verbal conversation with my child and know exactly what he is thinking.

I know all the parents out there have wanted to scream out loud at one time or another, "Did anyone just see how amazing this child is?" or "Isn't he the funniest, most beautiful child you have ever seen?" We all now the joy of witnessing our children do something for the first time ever. Or the love and satisfaction you feel when you can meet your child's needs so completely they melt into your arms.

I have to tell you this relationship with my child makes me a better teacher, friend, and person. It makes me look at all children differently. It makes me notice more the little things all children do to communicate with us. It makes it impossible to hear another child cry and not want desperately to be there for them. It makes me even less tolerable than before to the injustices against them.

And I as much as I would have said that I understood all this before I was a mother, it was on an intellectual level that I understood it, not on the emotional, hard core, straight to your soul level on which I now GET IT.

Respect... it is not just for adults! (Part 2)

The other day I was driving my car down the road and I saw a sight that is all too familiar nowadays.

A mother pulling her child on a leash. You know what I mean, the "harness" designed to keep your child "safe".

Usually when I see this, the parent is at the very least walking behind the child or next to the child. This particular mother was actually pulling her child while she strutted, yes strutted, down the street in her huge Pretty Woman style sunhat and high heels. Her child was struggling to keep up and even tried to stop to look at a flower before being yanked away.

I almost turned my car around to have a little "discussion" with this "Mother", but I didn't and instead drove away feeling profoundly sad for this little girl. It made me wonder what adult personalities will be available to my son as his peers in his adult life. What issues will this child take away from this experience and how will effect her when she is a parent? Adding a cute dog, bear, or ugly character to the back of the harness does not fool the child out of knowing exactly what is happening to them.

Later that day, when we arrived home for naptime, I saw on my freecycle group, this posting:
OFFER: Toddler harness and leash
If your toddler is wearing this red Elmo harness, he can't run away as soon as you let go of his hand. I admit it is embarrassing to have your kid on a leash what with the public staring at you in horror, but if it keeps the kid from running into the street, it might be worth a try! (It didn't work for us; our kid found a way to wiggle out of it)

Oh boy, I have so much to say about this I don't even know where to begin!

1. Let me start by saying that I absolutely understand the fear of losing a person who makes your entire life worth living, a person whose entire well-being rests in your hands, and a person whom without you never thought this amount of love was even possible. I take all of those things very seriously and I do understand that a parent would do anything to keep there child safe. So unlike before, when I did not have my own child, I now understand the rationale behind the purchase of one of these items.

HOWEVER..........................

2. You are still dealing with a PERSON, a human being. I mean for goodness sake, I have seen many adults act more foolishly around a busy street than a lot of children. Why not put your husband in one of these too? I am not even all that fond of pulling an animal along on a leash, but your child? Some feelings just go so far beyond words for me.

3. And it doesn't even work for a child who is determined to get out of it!?!??! Are you serious? I am in deep admiration of that little kid who wriggled his way out of his Elmo Harness. He gives me hope that the human race, even the young sector will not stand for being treated horribly.

4. HOLD YOUR CHILD'S HAND! If you are a parent who has the child always dashing towards the street any opportunity he gets, I have some information for you. You are stronger than your child is. While it is your job to keep them safe it is also your job to keep him safe in a decent, respectful way. Hold their body if you have too while listening, explaining, etc... but I am sorry...
The leash is unacceptable.

5. I have an inkling that this product that is aimed to illicit the worst fears in parents in order to get them to open their pocket books also has an underlying appeal. I believe that it is an attempt to make a parents job "easier". By that I mean, the parent will not have to pay as close attention to the child. If I am right about this, then it makes me even more livid.

If you really don't want to share your outing with your child, get a babysitter.

Children learn about the world by exploring it slowly, curiously, and sometimes dangerously. They deserve our attention and our explanations. It is also our job to learn from them all that we have forgotten from our time as children. Stop and smell the roses with your child, have conversations, be present, and for goodness sake, stop treating children like dogs.

"I'm so glad to see you, let me take home a piece of your scalp."

My son gets so excited to see other children! Seriously giddy! He chirrups with delight. He shrieks with excitement while tightening both legs into a locked position.
Lately at some point, it results in at minimum a soft tap on the head and at full force, a bang and grab of any hair or lack there of that is accessible.

And of course I love to witness, participate, and encourage his excitement! It is actually my favorite part of toddler hood, being witness to his joy as he finds the things in life that interest him.

I must say 100 times a day with as much awe as before, "A bus!, A truck, ooh another doggie!"

Herein lies the rub.

I want him to express his feelings freely. To not hold back! To love with all his might, express his anger as strongly as he feels it, and even to cry until their are no more tears left to feel inside.

But I don't want the fallout of that expression to be the hurt and tears of another precious little baby.

I have tons of experience and training in helping children through this stage, but I have got to tell you this is where handling things as a PARENT is different.

Suddenly it is not only about being a teacher and handling an issue.

It is about:

*worrying other parents won't understand that this is very normal behavior
*knowing how it feels when your precious baby is hurt by another
*knowing that your child is curious about reactions, dominance, and how that all plays out and wanting him to get the right attitudes towards it
* not wanting my child to think I don't trust him by reacting every time he gets too close to a child, but also wanting to stop another from getting hurt (boy is that a fine line)
*making sure he has enough outlets for aggression and activity which I know to be important for children and boys especially

and mostly...
*wanting my precious boy to be loved by other children and adults in our lives

Boy, being a parent sure makes things a bit more complicated.

To all those whose children are getting the brunt of mine's learning curve here, we BOTH love you so much! Thanks for hanging in there with us, we are hitting lots of pillows right now!