"I'm so glad to see you, let me take home a piece of your scalp."

My son gets so excited to see other children! Seriously giddy! He chirrups with delight. He shrieks with excitement while tightening both legs into a locked position.
Lately at some point, it results in at minimum a soft tap on the head and at full force, a bang and grab of any hair or lack there of that is accessible.

And of course I love to witness, participate, and encourage his excitement! It is actually my favorite part of toddler hood, being witness to his joy as he finds the things in life that interest him.

I must say 100 times a day with as much awe as before, "A bus!, A truck, ooh another doggie!"

Herein lies the rub.

I want him to express his feelings freely. To not hold back! To love with all his might, express his anger as strongly as he feels it, and even to cry until their are no more tears left to feel inside.

But I don't want the fallout of that expression to be the hurt and tears of another precious little baby.

I have tons of experience and training in helping children through this stage, but I have got to tell you this is where handling things as a PARENT is different.

Suddenly it is not only about being a teacher and handling an issue.

It is about:

*worrying other parents won't understand that this is very normal behavior
*knowing how it feels when your precious baby is hurt by another
*knowing that your child is curious about reactions, dominance, and how that all plays out and wanting him to get the right attitudes towards it
* not wanting my child to think I don't trust him by reacting every time he gets too close to a child, but also wanting to stop another from getting hurt (boy is that a fine line)
*making sure he has enough outlets for aggression and activity which I know to be important for children and boys especially

and mostly...
*wanting my precious boy to be loved by other children and adults in our lives

Boy, being a parent sure makes things a bit more complicated.

To all those whose children are getting the brunt of mine's learning curve here, we BOTH love you so much! Thanks for hanging in there with us, we are hitting lots of pillows right now!

Breastfeeding Exposure!

This past weekend I attended a "nurse-in", a demonstration to raise awareness for the laws surrounding breastfeeding in public after a mom was asked to leave a store for nursing her baby.
It was more than that to me and so many of the people who attended. It is about raising the bar when it comes to normalizing breastfeeding. It is about making it a beautiful thing in the eyes of the general public and it is about transitioning from the mentality that a woman needs to cover up to being celebrated and looked upon with awe and admiration.

There are so many reasons why I believe nursing in public is necessary and important, but the most significant to me is a reason I have heard against doing it.

Actually, there are many arguments against it:
That it is an intimate thing- sure, sometimes it is. So is kissing my husband as we walk through the park following our son. I don't know about you, but when I witness moments like these, it makes me feel all warm inside because I know I am witnessing the best part of humanity. And sometimes, nursing is just about filling an empty belly.

That is is disgusting- um, NO. And it taste pretty sweet actually.

But the one that always triggers something in me is:
That children might see it- I sure hope so!

Children NEED to see breastfeeding because they learn through example. So many of the children in my preschool (both boys and girls) would pretend nurse their dolls because they had seen mothers doing so. We did not have any play bottles in the doll area which was a conscious decision on my part. They get enough of that in the media and on the street, but because of the mentality of needing to cover up, they don't see nursing quite as often, especially if their own mother is unwilling or unable to nurse.

I think this needs to change. If it changed, mothers would not get complained about and asked to leave stores for making others feel "uncomfortable", dads would not be embarrassed or ashamed to have their wives nurse in public, and more babies would receive this perfect food to nourish their tiny bodies.

I once read an article about the country of Mongolia where breastfeeding is celebrated. It is seen as such a good thing, shop owners will put chairs out in front of their stores for nursing mothers because they believe they will get more business, people feel free to kiss a nursing baby on the cheek during the act, and the others are often verbally praised for the act.

When a mother is able to breastfeed, gets through all the bumps in the road to continue to nourish her baby with the best food possible, and then gets over the American mentality that it is somehow gross to do so in public, I want her to be cherished, not just simply tolerated.

Other than actually giving my son my milk, one of the benefits of nursing my baby has been my niece and nephew witnessing their cousin being fed. Before I began nursing, I am pretty sure neither of them knew it was even possible to feed a baby this way. My niece even asked me what I was doing the first time she witnessed it. She now nurses her dolls often my sister tells me and the thought makes me all teary eyed. I hope one day, she will be feel just a slight bit more confidant about her ability to nurse her babies and she will see it as a wonderful, irreplaceable gift.

I know I do. So go out and nurse your babies and don't cover up!

Another fabulous take on children witnessing Breastfeeding.

Getting There

One thing I did not anticipate is how much I would enjoy riding public transportation as a mother.

In my professional life, I was always so busy. So much of my day was about getting things done, finishing a project, scheduling a meeting, holding the meeting, following up on the tasks, etc... Even when I was teaching the children, it was always difficult to just be in a moment because there were always other children who wanted you, other activities to get out, etc... I felt like I was running against the clock most days with never enough answers to questions and rarely a moment to take it all in. Who knows, maybe this was something I should have made more of a priority in my career - I know it will be in the future.

However, when you go from forty-five children to one child and from ninety parents to two, you are suddenly thrust into a lot of down time. Sure, there are still days when I feel like I can't get anything done because Elijah is needing me or following behind me undoing, but in general, A LOT of down time.

It is important to me to pass a love of nature and duty to protect the environment on to Elijah. When you combine that with down time, and with a child who really does not like to be strapped down to a car seat you get: THE BUS.

We ride the bus as much as we can around our big city. Mostly it takes us to the aquarium since the grandparents gave us a yearly pass, but it has taken us other places as well. I never felt like I had time for public transit before, it was too slow and I needed to get there.

Elijah loves the bus. Not only the ones we are on, but all the others he sees out the window. His favorite seat is in the back looking out the window at everything and he loves that his mom (and sometimes even dad) are right there holding him. There is no car seat restricting him and he can cuddle, use mommy as a jungle gym, nurse and see as much as he wants cause mommy isn't driving. Come to think of it, these are all the things I love about the bus too.

But... there is more. I love that Elijah meets all kinds of people, see all kinds of diversity, and gets doted on by most of the people who sit next to us. He has been the audience for an accordion player as well as the held a conversation with a German-speaking man who when he got off the bus told me, "Thank you for bringing him on here today, he makes my heart happy."

To that I replied, "mine too sir, mine too!"

I think this must be one of the greatest things about motherhood, that it forces you to understand so clearly how the journey is so much more important than the destination.

The burden of parenthood....

Everybody who is a parent understands the pure joy of having a child in their lives. The joys of parenthood are discussed openly and are undeniable. Being that it is so unbelievably wonderful (most of the time), it makes my particular burden so bearable.

This post is not meant to be a negative whining account of parenthood, but simply an acknowledgment of something I struggle with everyday.
What is this burden I speak of?

It looks something like the following stream of thoughts that run through my head:
"Elijah is not eating ALL of the food I have put in front of him, has he changed his mind about liking all these healthy foods?"

"We didn't read today, I'm not creating a lover of books!"

"I got frustrated and snapped at his daddy. I am such a bad example of a happy marriage."

"Elijah isn't being exposed to enough ________ (animals, nature, music, etc...)"

"I walked past that piece of trash without picking it up. Elijah will never be kind to the Earth!"

This endless desire to be the best mother I can turns itself into a negative stream of thoughts a lot of the time. Thoughts that do not help me or Elijah and most of the time leave me frustrated.

This is my burden: to be the best I can without worrying so much and to remember that Elijah needs me present in each moment so that his memories will be filled with happy times with his mama.

This is the most important thing I can do for him.

Yes, I'm paranoid...

Another thing those parents were right about when they said I would understand when I was a mom...

Cutting grapes.

Yes, I used to think that all those parents who cut grapes into fourths were out of their minds and way too paranoid. Isn't cutting them in half enough? Geez people, I thought.
It wasn't until I was a mom that I realized that cutting them in half does not change the diameter of the grape and they are still a choking hazard and it is not until you envision your little child choking on something you gave them that you cut the grapes in fourths.

I even cut blueberries, the small ones :).

For those of you who don't know about this website, blog, and magazine... it is hands down the best resource for parents out there. Dont live your parenting years without it.
http://mothering.com/all-things-mothering/

Popular Practices Examined... Part Two(Spanking)

Disclaimer: So this will likely not be a gentle, dont hurt anyone's feelings kind of post (but then again, are any of them?)

While in Maui(a beautiful place with beautiful people), I ran in to some not so beautiful acting locals in a general store. There was a young man with two teenagers and a very young child. I did not even notice the child at first because the others were so boisterous, but then I heard a very hard whack and a child scream and fall into tears. Then I heard another whack and another. I couldn't see the child yet, I just heard his very sad cry that was bringing me to tears as well.

Then the party of four emerged from the aisle towards the cash register. The dad (I use that term loosely), was paying for his goods and telling the store clerk how spoiled his child was, while the child obviously humiliated and in pain was rubbing his bottom and trying hard to hide his face and tears in the pant leg of his father. Apparently though crying is also a capital offense in his family so after telling him to stop crying several times, he raised his hand again to go for another. If this is how this child is treated in public, what happens at home?

I couldn't take it anymore so I jumped in and not so gracefully as I would have liked. I shouted, "Hey, just because you are bigger than him doesn't mean you have the right to hurt him."

Lots of mind your own business comments ensued from the teenagers and father, but the comments that disgusted me the most were:
"This is my child" from the young man and from the store clerk, "he needed it".

So lets start with the first one:
When one decides to place their penis in another woman's vagina, that automatically gives him the right to hit and humiliate any person that happens to unfortunately be the result of that sex. That is interesting determination.
I am sorry, but No. Children are not property. Most people would argue that even pets are not one's property to do as you deem fit.

and the second:
He needed to be physically hurt and humiliated? When has that ever worked to teach anything more than anger, resentment, violence, and revenge? If you don't believe me, you may want to check out the volumes of research on this topic.

I am really not OK with the term spanking at all because I believe that it exists simply to make hitting another person sound acceptable in conversation. Many justify spanking as a form of discipline. Discipline comes from the word disciple which means "to guide". I am having a hard time imagining Jesus guiding others by hitting them. I am trying to envision having any of the people in my life who have been a guiding force hit me. In fact, I have very strained relationships at best with any person who has ever "spanked" me.

While I may attempt to intervene on the behalf of children in a more helping, positive way in the future, I urge you all to step in and stand up for children who are unable to help themselves. I could tell it truly shocked this dad that I even thought his behavior was inappropriate and it probably made no difference at all (especially with the way I handled it), but maybe, just maybe one of those teenagers or that little boy will think twice before hitting their own child one day.

It is time for this practice to end once and for all.


"There never was a time when a major social problem was solved by beating a child. And there never will be such a time... For centuries adults have injured children and have lied about it, and other adults have heard those lies and then merely turned away,"
-Surgeon General Dr. C. Everett Koop, 1989

Schooled... why public school is not for us.

I often tell people when the discussion comes up as to where Elijah will go to school (as if most people have that figured out at 11 months old) that Elijah will not go to public school. I am then usually bombarded with how the schools in their neighborhood have high test scores or that their particular school is amazing. While I have no doubt these claims are accurate, they do not impress me.

I do not see public school as the devil. It definitely serves a purpose and for many children it is a safety net. It was for me. My public school teachers were the reasons I survived my childhood and one of them in particular still serves the role of a mother for me.

So why no public school for my child? Oh, where to begin...

1. The Curriculum. The phrase "Inch deep and a mile wide" seems to fit perfectly and that depth they speak of is not filled with entire accuracies either. If you don't believe me, pick up a history book. On top of that, it is monumentally boring to do ditto sheet after ditto sheet of stuff no matter how old you are, much less when you are 5! I do not want a child who hates learning or even one that tolerates it.

2. Lack of Play. If you are reading my blog, I probably do not need to convince you of the benefit of play in a child's life, how it is the ONLY way they learn anything, or that play is not 15 minute recess on a blacktop twice a day with one ball for 30 kids (if you are lucky). Ok, yes, some schools have more than that and maybe even a few blades of grass.
To get what I am looking for though, take a look at this and this company.

3. Extrinsic Control. Other than a life of love, the one thing I want more than anything for Elijah is to be internally motivated. To do things that matter to him with passion and to do what is right because it matters to him and not because he will get some reward for it or especially because he is afraid of what might happen to him if he does not do it. It is much more difficult to maintain that in a child when eight hours a day is spent in a rewards/punishments based, praise based, grades based system. I will get more into this in another post, but put more simply... I don't want Elijah to have to try to understand why he was demoted to the red card for talking to his friends during spelling.

There are so many other reasons that public school is not for us. These are the most important. And while there are excellent teachers out there who create amazing programs and who certainly make a difference, it is the system that is flawed. It is the politicians that have passed bills that do not allow those wonderful teachers to flourish to the best of their ability. And while things might one day change, the pendulum has swung so far in this direction, I don't see it coming back in my child's lifetime. I just can not let him be a casualty.