Popular Practices Examined... Part One (television)

I have been exposed to a whole new world of popular practices with babies since becoming a mother. While I have spent a lot of years in the field of early childhood, my everyday exposure and philosophies surrounded around the topics crucial to the 2-6 year old age range a majority of the time.

For many years now I have done parenting workshops on various topics, but without a doubt one of the topics I was most passionate about was television viewing and young children. Young children are defined as birth to eight years old by NAEYC.

For those who have not heard me give this workshop before (or many times before:), the research on screen viewing by young children is scary. It is not only about the content which most parents get and attempt to regulate by not showing violent shows, etc... It is also about the medium, the screen itself. The thousands of mega pixels that flash before the eyes of your children to make a picture on the screen, actually affects their brain.

For those who are not familiar with the brain, there are three components (triune brain model) that control different types of functioning.

*There is the Neo-Cortex which is responsible for higher level thinking, language, conscious thought, problem solving, sensory perception, and reasoning. It is part of the mammal brain only and really defines us as human in many ways.

*There is the Limbic System which is responsible for behavior, emotions, long term memory, and olfaction.

and then there is the:
*Reptilian Brain or R-complex which is the basic fight or flight level of the brain responsible for rage, protection, and basic survival mechanisms.

When children watch television, the screen they are viewing places them in the reptilian part of their brain where they are incapable of the the other levels of functioning. Their heart and respiratory rates increase and they are simply taking in input and analyzing it for no more than basic information. Have you ever noticed the blank stare on the faces of people watching TV? Is it any wonder people call it the idiot box?

Now I have heard many people say, "but my child learns so much from educational TV". This is not possible because higher level thought is not possible. They will be able to repeat what they heard, but the actual processing, understanding, and assimilation of that information is not happening.

Now here is the scary part, when your brain is put into reptilian functioning, it does not come out of it from 30 minutes to 3 hours! So if say, your child watch a bit of Sesame Street in the morning just before a visit to the museum or even a play date with her friend, it is likely she will not be able to take in any beneficial input or experiences due to the assault that just happened in the form of big bird.

Don't get me wrong, I think Sesame street, Mister Rogers, Lassie, even some (dare I say) Disney are decent programming, but it is just that... programming your child's brain and with a price to pay that is pretty hefty in my opinion. All of the topics Mister Rogers discusses are much better learned from life and books than from a screen.

I have spent many years spending time with children: some of which watch television, some of whom do not. It is very obvious to me the children who do even a little bit of viewing. You can see it in their creativity, in their imagination, in their play. I can give you examples that would make that reptilian brain spin.

Even the American Academy of Pediatrics says zero television viewing before the age of two which I consider to be a very liberal recommendation. They recognize the importance of infants having facial contact and the importance of language coming firsthand from another human being. As Dr. Sears puts it, "the best toy for a baby is its parent's faces." Still, programs such as babyTV, baby Einstein, and Nogin still exist.

When I was working with preschoolers, I thought TV viewing was only happening as they approached toddler and preschool years and beyond. Maybe the school had parents with a certain philosophical bias against television. However, what I am noticing as I get into the mommy world is that many people of new infants are choosing television, DVD's, and computer viewing for their babies! This really scares me. Actually, it terrifies me! Screen entertainment is a slippery, addictive slope. The more a child watches, the more they want. The more they want, the more advertising they are exposed to, and the more likely the imaginative world of fairies, gnomes, knights, and faraway lands cease to exist.

For those of you who still think you need the electronic babysitter to get anything done around the house, I promise you those shows are working against you. The begging, pleading, and whining for shows, character toys, special foods, and chemical filled bath products are just a stones throw away. Not to mention the fact that your child will be able to entertain themselves less and less.

Sure a baby requires a lot of attention and time, but as they mature, they play for longer and longer periods alone, look at books for longer and longer time frames, and are generally becoming more and more creative and independent. The television is slowing if not stopping that process dead in its tracks.

For more research and info on this topic:

-Endangered Minds: Why Children don't think-- and What We Can Do About It by Jane Healy

-FAILURE TO CONNECT: How Computers Affect Our Children's Minds -- and What We Can Do About It by Jane M. Healy

-Parenting Well in a Media Age: Keeping Our Kids Human by Gloria DeGaetano

-The Plug-In Drug: Television, Computers, and Family Life by Marie Winn

-Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television by Jerry Mander

They will guide us...

I am very lucky to have a huge group of friends to look towards for support in my parenting philosophy because when you group all the things I believe together it equals a way of parenting that is not all that common.
That being said, I (along with most of my friends) have lots of mainstream voices in my head. These voices are people whom I love and appreciate, but whom really do not understand why Josh and I make the decisions we do for Elijah. Some of them do not even try to understand our decisions, yet offer their advice or comments all too frequently.
The area where I am feeling the most pressure lately is in leaving Elijah. As he gets older (yes, he is the ripe old age of 12 months now), the pressure increases. Others want to babysit him or in their words give me time off. I genuinely appreciate this gesture as being a mama is exhausting as we all know, but I am not ready and neither is he.
My neighbor keeps making comments to me that basically amount to the fact that I will never leave him and he is just a big mama's boy. I think even a few months ago these comments affected me more than they do now. The reason is Elijah. He teaches me. Over the many years of watching other parents with their children, watching the ways other parents left their children (some for the first time in my care); I realized that one of the biggest hurdles parents have is trusting their children. I always told myself I would trust my child, that he knows what he needs. I learned this first from the famous Bev Bos and second from seeing it ring true time after time with the children in my care.

Still, once I had a baby so many doubts came back. I had learned enough times and it made sense to me the value in responding to a babies cry, but I doubted myself when Elijah only wanted to nurse to sleep. The fears overtakes you. Won't I make him dependent on nursing to sleep, I thought. And now with leaving him, he is VERY attached to mommy and for a while daddy would never do, but slowly Daddy, Grandma, and even Grandpa are starting to be wonderful "meeters of needs" also. With time, he was ready, ready to trust other people in his life. Of course for the first nine months, he only wanted me. I mean he had spent more of his life inside my body than out. His only food came from me. It made sense. I just needed to see the relationship with his daddy begin to develop and then I was reminded that if I trust him, he will do it when he is ready.
Now, he stays with Daddy while I run errands and while no one else will do when he is tired, hungry, hurt, or scared, one day that will change. I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.
I pledge to continue trusting Elijah when I am not sure, he will guide us.

Respect... it is not just for adults!

In the past few catalogs I have received from this company (I assume simply because I gave birth to a child), I have seen this advertisement for a "ThumbGuard".

It has made me made me laugh, made me angry, and made me cry. Until finally, it made me write.

It makes me laugh because the pure thought of someone paying for this seems so absurd. Can you really imagine having your child walking around with this on their hand? Can you imagine the child or the parent explaining it? It also makes me laugh to think that this company thought this was a good item to carry. Ok...I guess the laughing is not all that genuine.

It makes me angry for all the reasons above and because it is just rude and disrespectful to do something like strap a piece of hard plastic to a child in order to stop them from doing the one thing that brings them the most comfort. Yet, a single dentist can design this and many other doctors can place fear in parents over what could happen to a child's teeth, and parents line up to pay seventy-five whopping dollars to destroy a little piece of their child's spirit.

It makes me cry for all the reasons above, and because I can picture being that child scared, sad, tired, or in this case... humiliated to save her from an overbite. Who is she gonna go to for comfort? The parent who bought this for her? I think not.
For those who are left with the question in their minds of how to stop a thumb sucker then, I say to you:
Therapy is way more expensive than orthodontics.

Wooooo Wooooo

Today, Elijah heard a siren and right after he said, "Wooooo Wooooo." It was so precious. He was communicating with me, and every new opportunity to communicate with my son is a gift. After working with parents for years and teaching communication with children, my own son's first attempts at communicating with me are priceless.

But it also made me a little sad. He was, after all, repeating a sound he hears on at least a daily, if not hourly, basis since he was born. The sound of the great LBC. The place we call home. A 700-square foot condo that we own with absolutely NO outdoor space to call ours. No balcony, no porch, and definitely no yard.

For such a long time, the ideal that I have held for children and childhood and myself has been a meadow full of climbing trees, with a stream running through it. I picture a tree house, a few chickens, and maybe even a goat. I worked hard to create this at the preschool. A tried to create a haven away from the city life, away from even suburban life, for the children to just be.

And now I have my own child and he is growing so fast. To steal some words from Tom Hunter, "What will he remember from the time he was a child?" Where can he play free, run, climb, jump, and explore? Where can he do this without the fear of polluted water? Where can he hear the birds chirp and the grass rustle rather than the sirens blare? Where can he dig without finding cigarette butts and trash? Where can we be outdoors without long car rides?

Of all the things I want for my child, nature is among the most important. Does this mean I sacrifice being close to my friends and family, and those who know me best? Do I sacrifice diversity, progressive thinking, and like-minded people?
I guess time will only tell. The problem is he is growing up now...
Woooooooo Wooooooo

Sensory experiences and Play....

This one is for Susan....

There is never a day that goes by that I am not grateful for the amount of education and experience I had with children and child development before giving birth to my own child. It has served me well and (so far) I am not finding that having my own son has made me abandon any of my previously held beliefs about children and the environments I believe are best for them. If anything, they have gotten STRONGER! And get this, I have even more of them! Oh geez, they just keep coming I tell ya.

So while I am thankful for the knowledge and beliefs I have, being a mom in this situation can be downright lonesome and isolating from time to time. For example, this morning we attended a baby sign language class through our city. I really love the idea of exposing Elijah to another language and since we have no native speakers of any other language in our household and I have taken sign language in the past, this seemed like a good way to do that. But I got to tell you, I should have just bought a book with signs in it to refresh me. This 45 minute class was full of the same old thing I see everywhere when people relate to children. Lots of "yays and good jobs" abounded. While expressive faces on adults can be authentic and natural when talking to babies and children we love, usually what I see in these classes is an exaggerated enthusiasm. People bouncing around like they do on that Barney television show attempting to constantly entertain children with happy faces where everybody is friends and it is never OK to feel like bored for an instant. Can you hear the valley girl accent I am affecting?

For those of you who don't understand why I don't believe saying "Good Job" to children every time they breathe without dying, I will have to save this for another blog, but in the meantime, here is an article to aid you in understanding where I am coming from.

But back to the classes offered for children. I realize this may sound a little like a detached or cold point of view, but so many of these classes are loud, fast paced, and hyper cheerful to the point of being fake. I don't want my child surrounded by that at all. I want him to be a part of authentic people and experiences. This is something (forgive me for those currently enrolled) that Gymboree frankly does not offer. Who said it was developmentally appropriate to hang a baby or toddler from a bar or have them doing a forward roll anyway? I want him to explore his world, but AT HIS OWN PACE. It literally tears my heart out when they hand my child an instrument in music class and then tear it away from him 3 minutes later because the song is over. Children need long periods of uninterrupted free time to explore and without too many restrictions. This is the only way they truly learn anything.

It is lonely when all the people who get you and understand why these things are important have older children who could care less about playing with Elijah. Most(thank goodness for you Jennifer) new moms usually do not understand the way I prefer to play and relate to my son. I can't seem to find any friends or connections in these classes, maybe because I can barely get through the class itself without pulling my hair out.

I have started a class for Elijah for this exact reason. I want an environment where he can touch things as much as he wants, where the adults sit back and observe the child's pace, where songs are sung slowly and at a tone where the children can understand the words and see the actions. I want an environment where the children's voices are heard more than the teachers. I want one where the people in the class are treating their children with as much respect as all human beings deserve. I don't want any child being treated like a doll or much worse, a pet. "Good Rolling, Fido!"

Sensory experiences are important, children need to engage all of the senses to truly learn, but overwhelming a child with sights and sounds causes irritation to their senses. Unfortunately I think many of these classes are attempting to be live television sets. This only causes a dependency for things to be loud and obnoxious in order to grab a child's attention. Maybe their is a vicious cycle here?

Instead give them the gift of true play (play is defined as free choice of an activity) and save your money (these classes are outrageously expensive) and give your child a container with flour and water, I guarantee you their brain and personality will be better off!

Some sensory ideas you can bring into your own home (sorry I took so long to get here Susan): Email me with clarification on any of these.

Cornstarch (Flour)/ Water: Cornstarch cleans up much easier than flour so I usually go this route, but flour is a whole new texture when wet. Plus you can make your own playdough.

Rice/Beans/Pasta with containers: Save all those scoops, plastic containers for use with things like this. Cooked Pasta provides a whole different experience and if you are really ambitious, color the pasta for a rainbow effect. You can add sequins or glitter here too.

Soil/Water: I use organic soil when I work with children. You can add seeds or beans to this with older children and plastic cups for planting.

Shaving Cream: For any child not putting everything in their mouth, squirting some of this on a table with combs and food coloring in spray bottles is awesome!

Plain old water: with animals, cups, funnels, food coloring, basters, any clear item from the kitchen, the possibilities are endless.

Play Sand: There are so many different kinds of sand these days, some mold into shapes with compressing. My favorite is this and this. There are even recipes for the moon sand online.

Flax Seed: OH MY! This is one mom won't want to leave for just the little ones. The seed is so silky smooth I could keep my hands in it all day, after playing with it for a week or so, add warm water and you will not believe how great it feels. Warning: Very difficult clean up :(, but so worth it.

Salt/Ice: I put out ice cubes for sculpting into different designs, add spoon and some salt. You can also freeze food coloring with a little water and paint with the frozen ice cubes.

Flubber: Here is the recipe. I put this out with green strawberry crates and scissors. I make it in much bigger quantities of course.

There are so many other ideas like making your own clay, paint, coffee grounds, fresh cut grass, gelatin molds, etc, etc, etc....

The possibilities are endless. If you are in the neighborhood, come by our playgroup and then I do all the clean up. :)
Happy Playing!

No, he does not sleep through the night...

Today I was reading an article about breastmilk production and cue feeding, basically the idea that you feed your baby as much and as often as the baby requests, even if that happens to be in the middle of the night at 6 months old.
This article was exactly what I needed at this moment in my life as a mom....

I have been feeling so conflicted lately. Elijah was about 2 months old when he began to sleep for longer and longer periods which around 3 months even peaked at 11 hours straight. Most would consider this a parents dream and he must have needed it at the time. But shortly after that, the periods of sleep started to lessen and my child started to become more demanding about his needs at all hours of the day and night until at about 5.5 months when he began to wake up every hour and need the breast to put him back to sleep. In this last month, the sleep has increased a bit to every 2-3 hours waking during the night. I have been so wrought with guilt. What am I doing wrong? Doesn't my baby need more uninterrupted sleep? If he didn't eat so much at night, he would sleep better and eat more during the day, right?

But what were the options to get him on this plan... let him cry and refuse to feed him was the only one I could think of. That was not happening. I believe strongly in the signal of a babies cry and was not about to ignore him. I always tried other things first, lying with him, helping him find his thumb, sending daddy in, or even giving him my fingers to suck on. These work sometimes, but ultimately nothing puts him back to sleep like a warm breast full of milk.

So many people even so called experts and my own holistic pediatrician warn against feeding a baby this old at night, fearful of the habits it creates. It is hard to ignore that pressure and the questions that come with it. As a mother, I am always questioning whether what I am doing is providing the absolute best for my child.

This article talked about prolactin, a hormone that all mothers have until about 3-4 months postpartum that in addition to the baby sucking, helps produce milk. After 3-4 months, the prolactin goes away and the only thing keeping the milk supply up for this growing baby is the babies sucking.

Maybe this is why babies wake up? Maybe it is not because we are "spoiling" him? Maybe my son knows intuitively that he needs more milk.
I know so many people who say they had to stop nursing cause their milk dried up, that suddenly didn't seem to have enough milk for their babies. I wonder if there is a correlation between this and night nursing? I wonder if there is a correlation between this and moving a baby into their own crib in a room away from mom?

I also know that every baby/mother dyad is different and that many can continue to nurse exclusively just fine while sleeping through the night. I am sure that is why the idea that all babies should be able to exists. Maybe all babies can't do this.

The AAP recommends at least one year of breastfeeding, the WHO recommends at least two years. I want to make it to at least two years for Elijah's health. I believe it is the best thing I can do for his health. I also believe babies are designed to sleep with their mothers, in most other countries they do. I believe babies cry for a reason. So why all the internal conflict around nursing him at night? Ultimately I am sleeping fine, all I have to do is roll over. He and I barely wake up.

I don't have all the answers and I don't know how I feel about this when he is one or two, and maybe I am creating a bad habit.... but I do know I love my child and listening to what he is telling me is the only way to build a relationship of trust between us.

So once again, I am led me back to the conclusion that I need to trust my child, he will teach me. Cue feeding it is.

Is he a good baby?

I am always a bit perplexed by this question. How does one judge whether a child is inherently good or bad? What information are they after?
I, of course know what they mean is, "Does he sleep through the night?" "Does he cry a lot?", but I wonder why so many ask this. Is it that they don't know what else to ask or that all the other forms of the questions seem too personal. Maybe people truly think that a baby crying is a bad thing.

I think it implies a few things when one asks this question:

1. That not all babies are inherently good. Really, what could a 2 day old, a 2 month old, or really even a 2 year old do that would be considered bad? I choose to believe that all people are born inherently good and that it takes quite a bit to turn a good person into a bad one, primarily brain chemistry. Even those who commit acts that one would consider "bad" have reasons that lead up to these eventual actions that have very little to do with the core of the person.

2. That it is an infant's job to make life easier on its parents. Something is really backwards in this thinking. Is it overwhelming to bring a new little baby into your life, believe me I know this, and it is nice when that parent can feel like they have some answers and some help.  It is so important to have a village because all the baby can do at this point is exist and its entire purpose for months is simply to learn about trust. It should be the job of the parents to simply get to know their baby, respond to his/her needs consistently and fall in love with this new little life. Other people can take care of the house, the jobs, etc...
Too many parents get exhausted at this point by doing too much, not sleeping when the baby sleeps, and I really believe this always ends badly... and usually at the babies expense by trying to get them onto our schedule as soon as possible. Wrong!

....but probably the most disturbing underlying message a parent receives is...

3. That when a baby cries, it is a bad thing. As author Jan Hunt puts it in her book, The Natural Child:
"Crying is a signal provided by nature. It is meant to disturb the parents so that the child's need will be met. It makes no sense that nature would have provided all children with a routinely used signal that serves no good purpose."
Yet new parents who are trying to adjust to this little person who cannot talk and can only cry to get their needs met, are constantly asked about how often the baby cries or hear from other parents, "oh, he is so good, he hardly ever cries."
To me that is as absurd as saying, "oh my preschooler (teenager, best friend, etc...) is so good, they hardly ever talk to me."

I trust nature so much and when I don't have the answers, I try so hard to just see what makes sense in the world, the way nature would do it. I have learned so much about little babies lately, way more than my child development knowledge could ever have given me simply by having a baby. He teaches me. So I will continue to try my hardest to look at his fussing and his crying as much as his smiling and his laughing as his attempt to build a relationship with me and to bring me into his world. What a honor!

And please don't ask a new parent this question instead try, "what can I do for you?"